Soaking In...

Same rules as last night: Status, Things to Pray For, Needs are toward the bottom of the post.

Otherwise, Life and how it's unfolding is right... here...  

Starting off a little differently tonight (and slightly earlier too).  When I set out to write this blog, it was really meant to inform everyone how Ashley's doing and the fact that the only reason we're even able to tell this story is because God has given us the opportunity.  That's still the primary intent, but I'm finding more and more that actually addressing how I'm feeling, what's going on behind the scenes and the overall experience of the situation at hand is helping me process.  And, according to so many of the messages I've been receiving it is helping others process too.  

"And so, from the day we heard, we have not ceased to pray for you, asking that you may be filled with the knowledge of his will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, so as to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to him: bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God; being strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy; giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light. He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins."

                                   Colossians 1:9-14

This blog reminds me of a time that I worked at a family camp (Pine Cove, if anyone was curious) in Texas where I was in charge of coordinating work crews to keep camp processes running smoothly.  It was one of the "get-to's" that I got to lead my core team in a time of Bible study.  We went through Colossians.  We memorized the passage above, and to this day, it is one of my favorites.  During that time at the camp, the first couple of weeks of the study was more superficial than not with a lot of 'Jesus' answers, and I was challenged by one of my teammates to stop holding back and press in with the Truth.  (Side note, the reasons the answers were superficial and I wasn't pressing in is because I didn't want Truth to create an awkward air or to generate conflict between what was easy and what was right; I essentially shirked back from the responsibility... that is what we call now-a-days as being irresponsible and a coward)  It turns out that when I actually put aside petty reasons for not delivering Truth and did it, The Lord returned to us the blessing of actual, intimate friendships that are still in tact today.  I don't know if I have ever told that story before, especially to the person who challenged me (and perhaps I should offer to that person now) but it stuck with me and God used that to develop some boldness.

Bluntly, this situation is hard.  Nothing on the surface of it is easy or fun.  How do I sit here and watch her struggle in that bed? How do I tell my wife that surgery was a bust?  Moreover, How do I tell her what surgery being a bust really means as far as outcomes, treatments and prognosis? This is scary, uncomfortable and I won't lie... I have no clue what to do.

Cue the passage above.  A friend of mine texted the latter half of this passage to me today and it prompted some of these memories.  (Scripture is so powerful like that.  It molds and shapes and reworks parts of our lives that are raw and messy while still being tender to bring comfort and hope)  Really soaking in this passage this afternoon has settled my otherwise frantic heart.  If I use Tuesday as the start date for so many people reading and praying for my wife and I count that as the "And so, from the day we heard..." I really believe that most everything that Paul lists off in the rest of the verse has been prayed over my family.  There is so much hope in that.  For complete strangers to the most intimate of friends leaning in and interceding on our behalf is nothing short of a modern-day miracle.  God's provision for us during such a tough time is you.

Today's Events: 

• Ashley rested fairly well last night and they kept working her off of one of the sedatives.  She became more and more agitated as we weaned off.  Let's be honest here, no one likes having a tube shoved down their throat... thus the source of frustration for her.
• Ashley's mom and sister spent the morning with her as I stepped away for a few hours to see our girls off to school and get some sleep at the house.
• I did not get sleep at the house. (Ok, not entirely accurate... I was there, in the bed, with my eyes closed, but my brain was dancing a jig so I don't know how much quality rest I got)
• They worked her off of her sedatives at one point and were able to elicit a few hand squeezes and attention getters at her.
• She became really agitated again and had to go back on one of the sedatives.
• Toward the end of the evening we were able to actually communicate with her.  She was able to open her eyes, nod her head and squeeze our hands.  (I felt really good about heading out when the shift change occurred)
• Once back in here and about 2 hours ago, she started to struggle.  Frustration, pain, nausea? I don't know but she was fighting a lot of everything that was happening around her.  She couldn't settle down.  Eventually she had to get some narcotics and bump the sedative back up some.
• During that time, her EEG was going bananas and I'm hoping that it wasn't telling us that she was having a seizure.  She definitely had some tremors, but I guess we'll wait on the Neurologists to interpret and report later.  (Side note: I think I could be a good doctor, except for, you know, making the grades and all of that... but finding patterns, learning the processes and memory recall : check)

Things to Pray For:

• Ashley to rest
• Ashley's scans to be as good as they can (EEG and CT Scan that she'll have in about 4 hours from now)
• Wisdom in how to start to talk about all that lies in front of us
• Fatigue to go away... I know this is a marathon, but I'm already exhausted and I know she has to be even more so
• Continuing to stave off infection
• That the medical staff would continue to exercise care and work toward getting Ashley in the best shape she can be in
• For my mental game, I'm starting to lose control on the 'what-if' game (Aside: This process has started to hammer home that God is the source of all things good and when He says not to worry about tomorrow, He means it.  Funny how when we actually do what Scripture says things tend to go more smoothly and much less to our detriment)

Special Note:  The overwhelming outpouring of support by everyone has been nothing short of incredible. (How many adverbs/adjectives can I use?)  Please know that there will be needs, I'm sure of it.  Please know we will not be able to handle any of this alone.  I know that many of you are chomping at the bit to physically provide in some way and I can almost promise that, that time is coming.  For right now, we don't have financial needs, we aren't lacking food to eat and our girls are taken care of.  The tables are always shifting and the needs ever changing.  I PROMISE that when those needs arise, I WILL make them known.  For now, our biggest, most pressing need is intercession on our behalf to our Father who brings peace to his people.  

Thanks for taking the time to read.  These posts may start to slow down for the fact that my attention is shifting focus to Ashley as she starts to (Lord Willing) become more alert and responsive.  I'll still use this as a milestone marker, but no need to post for the sake of posting and create "Blog-Apathy".

Thank you for your continued commentary, I read every one and they bring such an encouragement to my heart right now and I need as much of that as I can get.