A Refining Fire

If you've ever read through Daniel 3, you'll be familiar with Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego.  These three were thrown into a furnace for failure to yield to the King.  The furnace they were thrown into was scorching hot; so hot it killed some of the king's guards.  Yet, they stood, praised God almighty and He carried them through.  It was such a stark example of God putting his power on display that the King altered course and radically changed his behavior and saw God as the One who was worthy of it all; that only He could rescue in the way that He did.  The kicker is, even if God hadn't delivered the three through the fire, He was/is no less worthy of everything we have.  I hope that you hear that in the following words.  I pray that you see that through Ashley and me.  The only way out is through and the only one worthy of any glory is God in Heaven.

If you've been following the Facebook updates, you'll know that we were discharged from the hospital on the 4th of November.  We were finally able to get the seizures under control (with a load of medication) and Ashley was able to manage going 36 hours straight without clinically presenting.  The doctors all agreed that the management of the meds could be done on an outpatient basis. [I think they were really at a point of weighing the benefits gained being out of a hospital environment (actual sleep, no constant interruptions, seeing our girls, etc.) versus the need for constant surveillance in a medical setting.  The former consideration won the argument; so, they let us go!]

Looking back, there are a lot of things about that hospital stay which helped to mold my expectations going forward on this journey.  The most important, for me, was Tuesday (Surgery Day) into Wednesday.  Knowing how grim the situation was and the fact that Wednesday morning came and Ashley was still hanging in there fighting... that was a game changer for me.  God used that night (of which I was awake for its entirety) to remind me of His power and my lack of having control over anything.  He used it to remind me that His strength is more than enough and that it is found in our weakness (speaking of, that night, I was literally at my weakest and the Lord sustained).  Most notably though, He proved Himself merciful and gracious time after time again... because Ashley took one breath after another and seeing Him provide in that capacity has really molded my perspective on this whole process.

Was I thrilled to learn that the tumor had grade 4 features? Absolutely Not.  Had you told me before surgery that this is how that day would've gone, would I have reacted in a respectable manner at that time? Unlikely. For that matter, even now, am I thrilled that we are in the position we are in? That'd be a big fat negative.  HOWEVER, because of Tuesday Night into Wednesday, my heart is at ease, because tomorrow (and the next day, and the day after that, etc...) has enough to stress over (and even by stressing over it, can I really add a second more to my life or Ashley's life: no).  Today... This is a great day (even with a grade 4 tumor, even with the prescribed treatment, even with the seizures, even with the logistics, even with... you get the point)!  Do you know why it's a great day?  Because Ashley is here to even have the opportunity to go through it all in the first place.  That night could have gone two directions; we were on the brink of stepping off either way, and the Lord saw fit to carry her through so that means we (together) will keep fighting and holding on to hope for recovery. (Wordy paragraph, sorry...)

Once home, we've been managing through manipulating medications and battling through some pretty serious fatigue and grogginess.  It's definitely been a challenge for Ashley to process a lot of what's going on.  As I've said before, I had an extra week of time (while Ashley was sedated) to process all of this and even still, I'm not the one who has brain cancer.  That's a level that even I can't process for her.  There are some pretty tough moments of isolation as well as a loss of independence.  Imagine that you woke up one day, aren't able to drive, you have to be under constant supervision, you can't pick up your kids, you struggle to communicate, you can't read your phone without a headache, etc... that would be tough, nay, straight up morale busting.

She's had quite a few visitors... speaking of... thank you so much for the support you've shown her by coming to sit with her and talk with her.  It is essentially bringing a part of the life before surgery back around to her and it does nothing but bolster that busted morale.  Still, because of fatigue and virtually no stamina (and still dealing with the after effects of surgery) it is so draining of her physical energy (which is a crucial commodity for recovery).  That's becoming a fun balance of: she really needs the interaction, but not too much, otherwise we've overdone it and have to curtail the number of visitors.  PLEASE bear with us as we try to manage that on her behalf.  I can't emphasize this enough... she asks often about how everyone is doing and that she doesn't enjoy the isolation... YOU (visitors and those providing encouragement) are such a critical piece of not only her current recovery, but also part of the treatment going forward.

Let's get in to that treatment now.  We have two facets of treatment staring straight at us as I write this post.  Chemotherapy and Radiation.  We actually started Chemo tonight (19NOV17) (hence the urgency of this update).  It consists of taking a couple of pills at the same time, every night, for the next six weeks.  This will be coupled with radiation therapy which will take place Monday through Friday for the next six weeks, as well.  We will hopefully get the radiation schedule on lock and will have a set time everyday, but we'll see how that goes.  As for right now, we are scheduled for 5:15pm this week.  Not really sure as to the overall duration of each visit, but we'll have that answer soon enough.

Now you may ask, "How is Ashley doing with all of this going forward?" ...and that would be a great question to ask.  I've actually asked her that question multiple times.  Here is the response I get: Every. Single. Time.

• I'm scared.
• This is a tough situation.
• I love you and the girls.
• ...but, God is so good and He will be glorified no matter what.

I love her heart.  I love that she's honest with me.  I hate that I can't fix any of this.  I'm glad that we get to go through this together.  

There are so many other things to talk through, but it's late and I have to go lay in bed and stare at the ceiling for a few hours before the morning comes.  I cannot express how grateful I am for each of you that has reached out to offer encouragement to us.  I can't begin to thank all of the women who have donated breast milk to us for our growing little, chunky 4 month old.  Thank you, thank you for the meals, the cards, the flowers, for everything.  I wish I could respond to every message and note, but, in all honesty, I'm exhausted and there aren't enough hours in the day.  Please know, I read everything (even to Ashley if it's to her) and your encouragement provides strength.  The Lord is certainly using you all to strengthen our steps. 

Here are some ways that you can pray specifically for Ashley in the coming days:

• Fatigue would be at a minimum
• Nausea (from chemo and radiation) would be at a minimum
• Medications to continue to do what they need to do
• Seizures (from starting chemo/radiation) would be non-existent
• Morale would continue to improve
• Rest (that she would take advantage of every opportunity afforded to her to get as much as possible)
• That she would find ways of getting into the Word (reading is a struggle, headphones and audio tracks are not easily processed still)
• For her fear to subside
• An increase in stamina

Hopefully I'll get another post out in the next week or two, but know that you can always follow the Facebook updates for more succinct, momentary happenings (NOTHING to the level of the blog posts).

Thanks for reading.


Photo Cred (for all the shots used in the blog thus far): Madison Walters Photography, she blew us away with our family photoshoot. You should look her up if you are ever in need!