Resiliency

Wow.  A lot of life has happened in the past month and a half...

DISCLAIMER For This Post: This is the first time I've had to myself in a while (Big thanks to a friend and her mom for hanging with Ashley and watching the girls for the day).  My thoughts are going 90 to nothing with this freedom.  As a result, you are probably going to struggle with how much I'm jumping around.  I just want to get something written down; to unload the past few weeks from my head and to have record of what's going on.  I'm also not proofing this article much before I post it so there will likely be poorly worded sentences and definitely some misspellings. Time is a valuable commodity today...

With all of that said...

Here's a quick run down of the major events that have occurred:

• February 9 : Lab Work / Doctor Appointments
• February 14 - February 18 : 1st Maintenance Chemo Treatment
• March 2 : Honey Went Back to Texas
• March 14 - March 18 : 2nd Maintenance Chemo Treatment
• March 14 - March 22 : Household Battle Against the Stomach Bug

All in all, things are pretty much running wide open.  Let's unpack a few of those events above...

1st Maintenance Chemo Treatment

This was a big step forward as part of Ashley's treatment process.  We successfully made it through the active treatment phase of radiation and chemo during the winter months.  The subsequent scan showed no progression and only one spot (a nodule) that we'll check on during the next scan (which is in April).  This maintenance phase of chemo is designed to keep any of the remaining tumor stragglers at bay (hopefully most of the tumor was killed/nullified during the active phase).  In a sense, we are playing clean up now.  

The dosage level of this 1st treatment phase is twice (2x) what was used in the active phase.  The upside of this dosage is that we are hitting with bigger guns; we have the capability to hopefully silence the remnants of any active growth of the tumor... the down side is that it is not friendly to Ashley's body.  Being that we started on the 14th of February and it went for 5 days (to the 18th), she wasn't really back on her feet (able to function at a pre-treatment level) until roughly March 1st.  Even then, she still struggled to have much of an appetite and put back on some of the weight that she'd lost.  

The engineer in me is trying to keep track of these events and analyze them to develop an expectation of what we're going to face going forward.  The good news is (based on this first cycle),  we are going to get about two weeks of uptime in a cycle of 28 days... assuming that all other factors work in our favor (this is a laughable comment when you read the next section)... speaking of that let's just go ahead and jump to the 2nd phase.

2nd Maintenance Chemo Treatment / The Stomach Bug

Granted, Honey went back home in between these two treatment cycles (which I'll talk about later), the 2nd treatment cycle was WAY worse than the 1st, so my previous analysis (based on just the 1st cycle) of 2 weeks of uptime is getting thrown out of the window.

I don't know if you've ever experienced the stomach bug in your household, but if you have, I'm sorry and you have my empathy.  I don't know if you've had a spouse on chemo when said stomach bug hits the house, but if you have, I'm sorry and you have my empathy.  I don't know if you've ever spent 9 days (well, really 7.5 days because I was down and out for 1.5 of those days dealing with the bug myself) caring for your spouse on chemo (and then the bug), caring for two kids under the age of 3 (both of which had the bug at one point or another), working, cleaning up 'messes' right and left, but, if you have, I'd like to meet you to compare war stories... 

This is most easily one of the most trying seasons of life I can say I've ever gone through.  To be responsible for the function of the house, the livelihood of your family, the responsibilities of work and still maintain sanity... it is a feat and draining, but oddly, it is also one of the most rewarding experiences I can recall (I'll discuss this later as well).

Back to the 2nd cycle. Where the 1st cycle was 2x the original dosage, this one (and the subsequent treatments) are 2.5x the original dosage.  With that increase, the side effects are amplified.  It takes such a toll on Ashley.  Her nausea spikes through the roof, appetite is eliminated, fatigue is maxed out, mentally/emotionally it's taxing and there is an increased struggle at times to find the words to say as well as some issues with memory recall.  She has lost a fair amount of weight through these two cycles, but I'll blame most that weight (during this cycle) on the stomach bug...

Honey's Departure

On March 2nd, it got real on the homefront.  Honey spent a LONG time in Alabama... more than 130 days.  She put her life in East Texas on hold and lived with us from mid-late October 2017 to March 2, 2018.  She took time away from her husband, friends and responsibilities to help us through Ashley's surgery, treatment, etc.  She managed a lot of the household responsibilities (including a fair amount of the cleaning, kids to school, transporting Ashley to a majority of her treatments, etc.) which enabled me to go to work, attend doctors appointments, and focus on keeping the other areas of life running.  She sacrificed a great deal to be here in service to our family, but most importantly, she was a solid example of being a Christ follower and putting the needs of others before her own.  We are so thankful for her being here and it was not a fun day when she went home... however, we are glad that she has been able to reunite with her husband and friends in East Texas.  We cannot being to repay her for what she's done for our family.  Thank you Honey. 

Some Thoughts

Some things I've learned in recent days/weeks :

• Ashley is such a trooper and continues to encourage me with how much of a fighter she is.  In fact, even in the struggle of the bug and being the sole caretaker/provider these past 9 days, watching her hang in there has been such a motivator for me.  I'm so amazed as to how God has wired our bodies to be so resilient.  The stomach bug is such a microcosm of what she's going through with this cancer, but to see a little virus bring a body, literally, to its knees for 24-36 hours only to restore itself to a full, upright condition is nothing short of spectacular.  Ashley battling through these medications and this disease is a beautiful example of the body's resiliency, but more impressively it is a phenomenal example of God's provision for us.

• There is so much growth in this season of life.  On more than one occasion (especially in the previous 9 days), I've come to the end of myself and have literally thought that I don't know how to keep doing this, and it is in those moments that I realize God is orchestrating things to put me exactly where I'm supposed to be.  This is tough.  There are times where not much about this is fun.  Life isn't alway about fun, sometimes it's about grit, stamina and dependence; ultimately, its about submission and understanding that my strength is a laughable thought.  I have nothing except for what God provides and when I stop fighting to try and do it all on my own accord, I find that God provides the strength to keep moving forward. 

• I do not make a very good mom (thank goodness, because, well, you know, I'm a dad).  Seriously though, I'm learning how to manage two kiddos and take care of Ashley.  It isn't easy at times, but wow it is so rewarding.  What an opportunity to teach my daughters how to do life.  When Ashley is up and good, she is dominating the mom duties!  When chemo/stomach bug have her down and out, it has been a unique opportunity to invest in my daughters in a way that I otherwise don't think I would have had.  I'm getting to show/teach compassion and service in a way that I don't think I'd ever have been able to do otherwise.  I want this to stick with our girls.  I want this to be part of their DNA.  I want them to know it better than I could ever hope to.

• It is impossible to raise a tribe without a village.  I am TERRIBLE at asking for help.  Ask anyone who knows me... they'll laugh but eventually agree that I'm awful at it.  God is putting me in situations where this is going to have to change.  These rough edges of pride are certainly going to get sanded off and pruned.  It is going to (and in some ways, it already does) hurt and be uncomfortable, but it is how to look more like Jesus.  It is also an opportunity to bring others along in the process.

We are hopefully on the mend from the sickness in the household for a while.  I'd really like to see the next couple of weeks be as uneventful as possible (just to recoup some energy and strength) but honestly, whatever comes flying our way... we'll do what we've learned how to do recently: buckle up and "enjoy" the ride.  Though sometimes we want this burden to pass from us; ultimately, we are so thankful for the opportunity to carry this burden.  Nothing refines like a trial and this certainly classifies as one of those.  The Lord has been good to us and our prayer is that others would see Him and His Goodness through this journey.

Ways to Pray

• Opportunities to proclaim Jesus to those around us
• A healthy household
• The effects of chemo would be minor for Ashley
• Upcoming scans on April 5th (this is our first scan since the baseline back in February)
• Ashley's energy level / appetite to come back
• Our girls to continue to thrive in school and grow into women of God
• My prideful heart, knowing that I can't keep doing this on my own
• Energy for all of us
• Honey's heart (as I know going home was bittersweet)

Thanks for making it all the way through the post.  I know these are long and confusing posts at times, but it is nice to be able to unload some of the past few weeks on the page.  This marathon we are in is basically turning into an uphill burner and we're starting to cramp up a little... but the Lord is SO good and He is faithful to provide strength; in that I'll rest, knowing that whatever it is we get to go through is only a way to make much of our Father and His Glory.

In case you are looking for a little encouragement, I've been listening to a lot of this on repeat lately:

Tori Kelly - So Will I (100 Billion X)

NEEDTOBREATHE - Be Here Long

Shane & Shane - Psalm 46

Big Daddy Weave - Audience of One

Tauren Wells - Hills and Valleys

Zach Williams - Fear Is a Liar