When You Don't Have It Together

Thoughts that I continually have to remind myself of:
When my mind is set on God's promises, how could I possibly doubt? 
When my heart is full of hope, there is no room for anxiety. 
When I sing praises to the Lord, my focus shifts to Christ, not me. 
When my eyes are looking toward Heaven, the world's trials and my sufferings become smaller.

I am officially in the middle of my 12th round of maintenance chemotherapy!

THE. LAST. ONE.

It is GOOD news!  I am exhausted.  My brain is tired.  My body is worn.  I'm ready to rest.  God has been beyond gracious to me and my family during these past months of chemo.  He has brought me through, what I would consider, the unimaginable.  Not because I deserved it, but because He love me and this is part of the story He's written for me.  Thank You Lord!

Blessed is the one who endures trials, because when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.  James 1:12

I should be on my knees endlessly praising God for making it to this last round; rejoicing with my hands held high for the miraculous wonders He has performed in my life, but sometimes I find myself crying in my pillow.  It doesn't make sense.  I imagined getting to this point would be a relief.  A time to exhale.  And, while it IS in many ways, I'm also terrified about what's next.  The unknown.  The waiting for re-growth.  I want to have it together, but the fact that it just feels like a waiting game has me off balance...

I'm confident that I'm standing on a firm foundation, but my legs are so weak (metaphorically and literally).

I don't have it all together.  Not right now.  Not at all.  My mind wanders into the future "what-if" situations frequently.  I forget how much God has promised me.  I fail to remember the miracles God has already done in my life.  I get so narrowly focused on my prognosis instead of being focused on the God who created every cell in my body.  I know I'm struggling because I am trying to depend on myself [and a little bit on the internet :)].  Let us encourage one another to not lose heart in whatever trial we face.

Therefore we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  2 Corinthians 4:16

Friend, if you are in the valley, it's OK.  I'm there too.  I'm calling out to God alongside you.  Begging for strength to trust Him about this prognosis.  Asking for help to relinquish each anxious thought that comes to mind and place it at the foot of the cross.  Fighting the temptation to distract myself with social media instead of diving deep into scripture.  Prayerfully, tearfully and graciously reminding myself of God's salvation and love.

-Ashley