The unexpected seizure turned in to... seizures.
If our house was an ocean, I'd say we've consistently seen some rough waters. Yet, we have also seen beautiful sunrises. Since our big storm of a cancer diagnosis, the tide has been higher and the water a little rougher. No smooth sailing for our crew, but the glimpses of God's Glory puts the journey back into perspective.
There was a Sunday night, not too long ago, when the rolling waves grew into a choppy sea. I had my a seizure. It was the first in over 6 months period of stillness. This seizure came and went in the span of a few minutes. It was frustrating and disappointing all in that one moment. I had a few long days and we assumed that I had just lowered my threshold and this was the price for the spent energy. My medical team raised some of my medication to compensate. However, a few days later, another seizure. The next week... seizures. It felt as though the waves were now crashing hard on top of us. The sudden onset of seizures only conjured up fear and certainly caught us by surprise. Though, for as surprised as we were, God was not. He didn't blink. He wasn't confused. His throne still a permanent fixture.
After that first seizure... I just sat still and cried silently. It felt like my heart was racing and stopping all at the same time. I couldn't catch up. It was too real and I was not ready.
David gave the girls a bath that night and afterwards I sat with them on the floor. (side note: why do little girls look SO cute in pajama sets?). I told them I was sick, which they already knew. Then I explained that tonight I was really, really sick. I told them how being sick like this made me feel really scared. I could barely blink back the tears. I reminded them that it's OK to be scared. It's what you do with being scared that's important. I told them that when I went to bed that night, I was going to place my head on my pillow and pray. Pray and ask God to heal me. Pray and ask God to remind me that He is REALLY big and can do anything.
My oldest, who is now 4, stayed with me for most of the conversation. She has a kind, loving heart. My youngest, who is 2, work on her forward rolls most of the conversation. :) She is truly a bundle of joy. I love my girls so much!
I asked them to pray for me. It was humbling. Like a sunken reality. We already pray with the girls for God to heal me, but that night was different. The tone of the prayer was desperate and vulnerable. "Lord, Please come. Hear us. You, our Savior and Healer. Be close. Be Near. Bring comfort."
Ms. Kayla (my oldest's teacher at school, who we LOVE to the moon and back) shared this verse with my a couple of weeks ago when I started having seizures again. It is a beautiful promise from the Lord. Her mom held onto this verse during her battle with cancer (of which she is now celebrating 11 years free):
The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.
Exodus 14:14
So, now what... My routine MRI that was originally scheduled for October has been rescheduled for this Friday (September 6th) and next week I have an ultra sound and mammogram. The rescheduled MRI is not totally unexpected. Given the numerous seizures I've had recently, something has changed. This is at least a way to help identify what is going on. Although, with the reschedule, there comes a certain anticipation leading up to it.
The truth and reality of this situation is that we are concerned. We are also tired; really tired. If you sit and think about all of the 'what if's' for too long; it's really scary. I'm holding tightly to that verse right now. Even in the midst of what feels like budding chaos, there is a Rock to shore up my unsteadiness. My energy is EXTRA low. My health doesn't seem great. It feels like there are more battles to fight than can be conquered; but... I can be still. I can be quiet. I WILL rest in God's love for me. I WILL let Him fight for me.
Sweet friends, God is good. Even when the waves are crashing and the sun is raging. His love is greater than we could ever comprehend. If you are feeling the waves (little or big), look to the Lord. You don't have to fight those battles by yourself.
If our house was an ocean, I'd say we've consistently seen some rough waters. Yet, we have also seen beautiful sunrises. Since our big storm of a cancer diagnosis, the tide has been higher and the water a little rougher. No smooth sailing for our crew, but the glimpses of God's Glory puts the journey back into perspective.
After that first seizure... I just sat still and cried silently. It felt like my heart was racing and stopping all at the same time. I couldn't catch up. It was too real and I was not ready.
David gave the girls a bath that night and afterwards I sat with them on the floor. (side note: why do little girls look SO cute in pajama sets?). I told them I was sick, which they already knew. Then I explained that tonight I was really, really sick. I told them how being sick like this made me feel really scared. I could barely blink back the tears. I reminded them that it's OK to be scared. It's what you do with being scared that's important. I told them that when I went to bed that night, I was going to place my head on my pillow and pray. Pray and ask God to heal me. Pray and ask God to remind me that He is REALLY big and can do anything.
I asked them to pray for me. It was humbling. Like a sunken reality. We already pray with the girls for God to heal me, but that night was different. The tone of the prayer was desperate and vulnerable. "Lord, Please come. Hear us. You, our Savior and Healer. Be close. Be Near. Bring comfort."
The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.
Exodus 14:14
So, now what... My routine MRI that was originally scheduled for October has been rescheduled for this Friday (September 6th) and next week I have an ultra sound and mammogram. The rescheduled MRI is not totally unexpected. Given the numerous seizures I've had recently, something has changed. This is at least a way to help identify what is going on. Although, with the reschedule, there comes a certain anticipation leading up to it.
The truth and reality of this situation is that we are concerned. We are also tired; really tired. If you sit and think about all of the 'what if's' for too long; it's really scary. I'm holding tightly to that verse right now. Even in the midst of what feels like budding chaos, there is a Rock to shore up my unsteadiness. My energy is EXTRA low. My health doesn't seem great. It feels like there are more battles to fight than can be conquered; but... I can be still. I can be quiet. I WILL rest in God's love for me. I WILL let Him fight for me.
Sweet friends, God is good. Even when the waves are crashing and the sun is raging. His love is greater than we could ever comprehend. If you are feeling the waves (little or big), look to the Lord. You don't have to fight those battles by yourself.
We pray that you are walking in divine healing, as by His stripes we are healed. Joe and Victoria Bantau
ReplyDeleteI pray that your reports will be encouraging, and that God heals your body, and gives you comfort, solace, and strength! I pray that God gives your family comfort, solace, and strength also! God bless you and keep you and grant you His peace!♥️🦋🌹♥️
ReplyDeletePraying over you and for you and your family. He will sustain you. But THIS I call to mind and therefore have HOPE. The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies are never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, therefore I will hope in him."
ReplyDeleteYes it is a very joyful time.
ReplyDelete