A Valley to Cross

Tomorrow holds another set of scans and appointments.  I'm in a weird mix of being terrified and expectant.  How these two emotions can be intertwined, I have no idea.

In every attempt to be truthful, I don't feel good.  I feel weak.  In every area and aspect of life right now, I feel weak.  A few of months ago, we had settled into a pretty good rhythm.  I was getting to get out with friends, take my girls to school, go out on Target runs and just generally operate within my new normal; but then the seizures returned and since that point I've gradually gotten weaker and more run down.

This month has been really challenging physically.  We've added another seizure medication, not so much to eliminate the seizures (which is looking more likely that they will be here for the long haul) but more so to give us opportunity to grow in dosage compared to my old regimen.  This new medicine though, it's hit my body pretty hard.  My balance is off-centered.  I've had a few falls in recent weeks because of this.  In fact, I've had more falls than I want to count.  My pride has taken some serious punches.  My speech, energy and vision continue to fail me at times.  Seizures continue to wear me down both physically and mentally.  There is no simpler way to put it: I'm weak.

Pain, grief, being exposed, frail... these words are crawling over into every area of my life.  Emotionally, I'm carrying a heavy load.  My heart breaks when the girls ask about why I'm taking so many naps or not getting into the car with them to go somewhere special.  Overhearing them talk to their daddy about the 'spot' in my head is overwhelming at times.  Sometimes my oldest gives me a kiss on the side of my head exactly where the timor is and says, "I Love You." I instantly feel God's arms wrapping me close in those moments but also the brokenness of the here and now.

Being weak spiritually is SO real and tangible.  Of the three areas in life (Physical, Emotional and Spiritual), the weariness on the spiritual front is the one that hits the hardest.  It expands into every area of my life.  I wish I could say that I've been building up this post with how things have been going to then turn it around by saying that it's all getting better and that these weaknesses are being resolved, but that wouldn't be honest.  This, indeed, feels very much like a Valley.

While reading in Isaiah, these words (as common as they seem to be recalled by many) help to settle some of my fears:

Do you not know?

Have you not heard?

The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.

Isaiah 40:28-29

I guess terrified and expectant means that tomorrow we will wait, cry and be reminded of/feel the heaviness of the situation.  However, we will also be reminded of God's mercies, provision and sustenance.  We may even get to have a round or two of checkers together (David and I have some intense games in the waiting areas).

Tomorrow we will have another opportunity to see God provide strength during a long clinical day.  We will also have another opportunity to point those around us to Jesus.  As difficult as these days are (and I am especially feeling that difficulty now), they are nothing when laid at the feet of Jesus.  

Please join in prayer for us as we are facing down another tough day.  Thank you for your faithfulness to walk alongside us on this journey.