Turbulence

Welcome to the new year! January 2020!

With a new year, there is always a feeling for a fresh start. Whether it's new plans or goals or facing your greatest fear, it's fun to see a 'blank' canvas in front of you and move toward the future with excitement of the unknown.

While you may have all of your 2020 mapped out, I have NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING OR WHAT I SHOULD BE FOCUSED ON.

As 2020 has come, it's also brought with it fresh storms.  If you live in Alabama, you know it is quite literal (as there have been a handful of storms that have rolled through in the past week).  The rain, lightning, thunder, tornados and flooding are such a present reminder of the greatness of God's power and creation.

Sign praises to the Lord, O you his saints,

and give thanks to his holy name.

For his anger Is but for a moment,

and his favor is for a lifetime.

Weeping may tarry for the night,

but joy comes with the morning.

- Psalm 30:4-5

The storms of January have reminded me again (and again, and again) that God is in control.  If you think that you have control over any part of your life, oh dear friend, one day you will find that your daily planner is just about useless and you may as well toss it out of the window.  Maybe on the small, inconsequential things you have control over what shirt you wear or what you're going to grab to drink from the fridge, but on a large scale you have absolutely zero control on the unfolding of your life.  I say this with personal experience.

It's easier to accept when it appears that God changes the plans of life when your heart is pursuing after Christ.  Of course, in the grand scheme, the 'plans of life' are what I, selfishly, had laid out for myself and those 'changes' are really God's ordained, pre-written plans that happen on his timetable.  Speaking of that time table, His timing for life's storms feels terribly inconvenient sometimes.  However it is most often in those unforeseen moments where the most glory is gained for His name.

Here's what's going on... I've had a cyst on my head for quite some time.  It's been fairly large, but relatively unnoticeable.  At the start of the new year, it felt like it was growing.  To spare you some of the medical fun, it ruptured one morning as I was getting ready for church (we missed that morning, because, whoa).  Well, it sealed itself back off but has resumed growing.  After going to the dermatologist a few days after the rupture, the decision was made in favor of surgery. So, I am having surgery.

Let's just say, for some strange reason, that I am not a fan of surgery.  Who knows why?  :-|
Maybe because the last surgery I had was pretty traumatic.  Regardless of my dislike of the option, it is necessary and I understand the need for it.  It was looking like it would be toward the end of January or the first part of February, but, as it would turn out... plans changed.  Surgery is set for tomorrow.  January 15.

The derm surgery is also two days (that's right, TWO DAYS) before my next set of scans and neuro-oncologist appointment. To say that I've felt completely overwhelmed is an understatement.  I've approached panic attack levels over the past days.  It just all feels like too much.  Too much, too close together.  In college, I always wanted straight A's; I'd obsess over studying and some nights before certain tests, I'd sleep with a book in bed (as if somehow to bring comfort in knowing I was doing everything I could do to prepare for a test).  I know... so weird.  Looking back, I'm not proud of that and I clearly had some priority issues.  After my first surgery, I felt like I needed to cry... a lot!  One afternoon, I got into my bed crying with my Bible in my hand.  I didn't read a single word out of the book, but I just felt better crying with God's Word next to me.  The familiarity of having a book in the bed with me brought a sliver of peace to a turbulent mind.

When I thought everything was TOO much last week... I got a summons for Jury Duty.  Talk about a tipping point.  I laughed.  What else is there to do other than laugh.  Probably the hardest I've laughed in recent memory.  Clearly, I couldn't handle any more.  Jury Duty was such a crazy push that God used to humble me and remind me of what I know.

This is what I know.  This is what I believe.  Every word in the Bible is true.  God is faithful.  God's love is everlasting.  All of our sins can be forgiven.  God created us in His image.  Suffering is part of this broken world.  Unexpected pain, really pain to any degree, hurts.  It's not pleasant, I guess that's why they call it pain.  It's awful and dreadful pain that is absolutely worth it for God's Glory. As followers of Christ, we need to draw close to Christ.  His breath brought us into the world and His breath continues to sustain you and me every day.