Where Do We Go From Here...

I don't know where to begin.  A new beginning usually comes after something has ended.  So, maybe I don't know where to begin because I don't know where it all ended.

I'm starting chemo on Wednesday (Feb. 26th).  It takes so much out of me. It hurts.  When I finished chemo the last time, my body was so weak and fragile.  Starting chemo again brings up memories that I'd rather forget.  It's not fun.  I lost a lot of weight.  My veins grew tired of being pricked.  At night, I'd lay on the floor next to a trashcan.  I would be sick all night... just trying to make it through.  Minute by minute, hour by hour and day by day... Chemo is HARD.

There are different types of chemo with different types of side effects... but, if you are in this season or trying to recover; I love you and you are not alone.

Behold, God is mighty, and does not despise any; he is mighty in strength of understanding.

Job 36:5

So, let's step back and see what led me back down this chemo path.  My last MRI showed a growth in my tumor.  The terminal part of my diagnosis rings a little louder when we hit these sharp turns in the road.  What's the time limit on crying in any given day? Who knows, but I found myself pushing those boundaries. The night of finding out that my tumor is growing was filled with snuggles and pizza with my girls... oh and Disney movies... It was good.

The growth in the tumor is quite serious.  It's something that has to be addressed quickly.  So we had to come up with a plan of attack.  We developed a plan... Plans are tricky little things.  We initially set course for surgery but there were some conditions that had to be met before that was a workable option.  So, about that plan, we always seem to be learning, grasping quickly and holding tightly, but holding with a gentle hand instead of a clenched fist, because what is a 'sure thing' on day one is a slip and slide on day two.  Oh that the Lord would soften our heart.  That our plan would be 'Your Will Be Done'.  That it would be a plan of peace and not confusion; bravery not fear.

I've been overwhelmed with the next steps.  It feels like an uncomfortable mix of free fall and quick sand.  Here's a brief(ish) recount:

• Neurosurgery.  It's the best course of action to get the tumor out.
• Seizures are too strong/frequent to perform the surgery.
• Adding a new anti-seizure medication (tomorrow) to attempt to control the seizures
• Insurance denied the first attempt of said drug.
• Can't keep playing the waiting game on seizure control; plan adjustment; tumor is growing.
• Where the growth is, radiation is not an option (essentially the tumor growth is inside of the same area that we previously radiated)
• Chemotherapy it is! :-) 
• Oh Hey! Insurance approved the second attempt at filling the seizure medication
• Insurance denied first attempt at filling the chemo script
• Turns out they filed with the wrong provider; Chemo is now approved (two days later)
• NeuroOncologist presented us with a secondary treatment option that works both, in tandem with chemo, but can also continue to run independent of chemo.

All in all, my heart feels like it has been run through the wringer.  Some how, and only by the grace of God, I am ready to start chemo.  Not excited, by any means, but ready to lean into God and His mercy and plan.

The counsel of the Lord stands forever, the plans of his heart to all generations.

Psalm 33:11

My biggest struggle this past week was deciding on chemo alone or starting that parallel treatment.  The treatment has its pros and cons.  Some decisions we face are black and white, but this one is about as gray as gray can be.  I've been so extremely torn on whether to move forward or not.

A few days ago, I laid on the floor and cried.  Just cried.  Told God every fear I had about choosing or not choosing to begin the other treatment.  Face on the floor, I begged God to tell me what to do.  I didn't hear him say anything, but when I sat up I felt God was saying "satisfied".  The more I thought about being satisfied, the more my heart longed to be satisfied within Him and only in Him.  When I'm completely satisfied with Christ, this big, overwhelming decision because a bit more simple, because ultimately it is an opportunity to rest with Christ.

As for me, I shall behold your face in righteousness; when I awake, I shall be satisfied with your likeness.

Psalm 17:15

Wherever you are in life, I pray you seek the Lord, find his rest, and are satisfied by God.  Satisfied in his good and holy plan.  You are loved so much.