My soul is in deep anguish.
How long, Lord, how long?
Psalm 6:3
Suffering; in a small part. That's what this stage of life feels like.
"Lord please take it away. I need you more than ever. Lord, I love you. God, please save me. I am weak and faint. God, you hear my prayer, I know you do. I'm crying out for mercy."
...recently, my prayers to God have looked something like this.
...recently, my prayers to God have looked something like this.
As a Christian, suffering shouldn't be a surprise. But, I do get surprised. Maybe a good tattoo would help with remembering to not be surprised :) [I can feel David's scoff from here]
These last couple of weeks... they've been extra difficult. Cancer has been kickin' my tail. I'm hurting in a lot of different ways. My body just feels broken. My heart is certainly fragile. My energy is all but non-existent. Having cancer feels like a full time job, with no vacations or weekends. Whether it is simple daily tasks, doctors' visits, surgeries (thankfully, not lately), chemo, radiation, medication, medication changes, more medication changes, clinic visits... seriously, how much blood can they take from me?!? It is all so much to handle and keep pressing forward with, not to mention, in the Covid era when there is very little respite from the children at home more than normal, not being able to have company during these appointments, etc.
Please don't read the above paragraph and walk away with a sense of defeat or pity; that would be the wrong message. That's not the message I want to convey. I just don't want to dress up the truth with anything that isn't reality. The last couple of weeks have had more than its fair share of tears and trials. I can certainly say that in recent days I have failed the tests of patience more than I care to admit. Yet, through the recent moments of struggle, this song and verse has resonated in my soul... and I hope it does for you too.
Again, I ask of the Lord...
"My soul is in deep anguish.
How long, Lord, how long?"
Even in the trials I've seen God's compassion pour over. He has not forgotten me. I know that He is near. He absolutely hears me when I call. Though my soul be in deep anguish, it is only by faith that I am able to believe, that I am able to trust that He is good. A true faith, whether in good times or bad, whether in hardship or success... a true faith endures. It is one that at the end of the day assures me that God is good and I can cling to Him in everything.
In all this you greatly rejoice,
though now for a little while you
may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials...
1 Peter 1:6
Thank you, God, for stretching me, for bending me to grow me. Thank you for reminding me of your promises. Thank you for enabling me to rejoice always. Seeing your perfect love and letting me know who you are bring comfort to my soul. You are all knowing and all powerful. When You are ready (be it now or when the White Horse is given stride), cancer (and all other suffering) has no idea Who is coming for it!
There have been a lot of ups and (mainly) downs over the past month or so. We've faced some really tough days lately with medication issues and seizures re-emerging (because of said issues), but we've been brought closer to God. Though lately, it seems we are walking deeper into the valley.
I have an MRI tomorrow and a follow up doctor visit with my Neuro-Oncologist. Praying that tomorrow would be an encouragement with a good report. It would certainly settle some anxiety that's been building, but even if it isn't, that faith that I wrote about above... that's what will carry me through, because it is the Object of that faith that sustains me.
It is hard. I too know. Without Jesus, we could not travel this path. One day, we will understand and declare that it was worth it. Hold on to Jesus' heart, sweet girl. We may not understand his actions or thoughts but we can understand his love. That never wavers. You are a true warrior of the King's army. A precious daughter of the Light. And...eventually we will be healed. That will be a glorious day! Keep being the inspiration you are for people you've never met.
ReplyDeleteAshley, I am humbled by your post. Your faith in the face of this giant called cancer makes me desire and want to pursue the same kind of faith. Thank you for sharing your journey and being real about it. Real Life. Real Suffering. But Real Faith, as you said, in the one who sustains you. Praying this morning that God has mercy on you🙏🏻❤️
ReplyDeleteWith much love,
Susan Roberts
Praying for you Ashley and asking God for your Miracle Healing in the Name of Jesus!!!!
ReplyDeleteYour honesty is beautiful. Your suffering horrific. Our God big and powerful. I can’t even begin to relate to the path God has put you on, just know you are being covered in prayer. Know that your voice is an encouragement. Know that this walk you are on is not in vain as it brings another follower of the king to her knees. May the Lord bring encouragement and healing to your body and soul.
ReplyDeleteSending prayers Ashley. God is always with you and keeping you. May you feel his arms comforting you each day. Sending Love. Mrs. Casto
ReplyDeleteI love you so much. Thankful for your honesty and praying peace and encouragement over you. May the Anchor of your soul sustain you.
ReplyDelete