Resilience

Waiting, Straining, Enduring...

Reading, Listening, Praying...

The road we are traveling is anything but straight, smooth and uneventful.  Over the past few months, I've sat back and watched Ashley put her thoughts together for these blog posts.  I'd take what she wrote on her iPhone and retype it all out here.  It's been so insightful to post what she's feeling.  However, tonight, I'm taking the helm.  

It seems like our frequency of writing posts has waned over the past months, and while that has not been the intention, it is a product of circumstance.  Much like everyone else in the world, we've been preoccupied with shifting schedules, COVID concerns, lifestyle adjustments and managing the kids (that's an entirely different post for another time).  We seem to only write these brief snippets into our world when we have an MRI or doctor visit.  This post being no exception.  However, with that being said, I thought I'd take a few minutes to expand on where we are and why I'm the one writing this time.

So, tomorrow (really, later today because it's after midnight now) is a scan day followed up with a NeuroOncology appointment.  I think I'd be straight up lying if I said we were cool, calm and collected as we gear up to face the day in front of us.  Truthfully, there is a bit more concern and anxiety (I know, I know... don't be anxious...) as tomorrow approaches.  Let's unpack that for a minute.

You know how when you do life with, or live so close with, someone that you often times don't see the day to day changes in their attitudes or physical appearance.  (Case in point, you know when you look at pictures of yourself from 5 years ago and you can clearly see you've aged or added weight) It's often that, unless you have visible checkpoints, the day over day changes are relatively benign.  What's got us a bit more rattled than usual is that, for the past month and a half, I've been able to notice a pretty significant change in Ashley's cognitive function.  As of about two weeks ago, she has even started to notice it herself.  Things like short term memory, physical strength, stamina, emotional wellbeing, balance, word finding, verbal comprehension and expression; they've all found their way on a pretty decent slide in the wrong direction.  Enough so, that we've even shifted some more of the household chores around so she can continue to conserve energy.

All of that to say, we are eager to check in on things. People continue to ask how everyone is doing, specifically how Ashley is doing and my response a few months ago went something like 'she's tired, but she's hanging in there.  working through some medication issues, but all in all she's doing about as well as can be expected'.  With her and I both realizing that things are not like they once were; these days, when I get asked that question, my response tends to be along the lines of 'She's definitely struggling in some areas and it's starting to seem more and more like the disease is running its course.'

Tough words to speak.

Tougher environment to live in.

It's true though, and that's definitely something we've not been shy to share throughout this road we've been traveling; the reality of the road we're on.

And yet, even though we don't feel great about where we are heading or the path we feel like we are going to have to walk soon... we do know this: God is still (and will forever be) good.  It is the bedrock of where we rest.  Seriously, it's easy to use that quip... it seems, however, in practice to be one of the most difficult truths to see in the midst of struggle.  As we've carried on for these past few years, the race truly starts to feel like a marathon. The deeper we get into the forest on this journey, the darker the path gets.  

I've found myself over the past 4 months really struggle with making time for necessary things: mental self-care, physical self-care, spiritual fellowship, personal spiritual discipline... but even so, with all of the moments of messing up (be it parenting mistakes, errors in caring for Ash, dropping something for work, etc.) God is faithful to drop subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) reminders that He is Good.  He's not just Good in character; he is the embodiment of... the creator of the very definition of Good.  When those reminders hit, they truly are moments of fresh air that inject life back into this weary body.  I know the same can be said for Ashley.  I've seen moments of encouragement come when they've been most needed and to watch her brighten up and come to life is nothing short of beautiful. [Who knew that having rooms in our house redecorated, room layouts changed, surprise visitors, etc. would be such encouragements... but wow they have been; not even so much in the material things themselves but in the thoughtfulness and effort by others with the intention of being a blessing to her] 

Bringing these rabbit trails back around to the trail, one of the main truths I continue to find myself saying has provided sure footing... I'd like to share it with you.  I'm sure many of you have heard it, but take a minute and read this.  Once you finish, take a deep breath and read it again.

God works all things together for our good for those who love Jesus and ultimately all things are used by Him for His Glory. -Romans 8:28 / Colossians 1:16-18, 27

I've done a bit of a mash up there, but I really find that remembering that nothing is wasted by God and that through EVERYTHING (not a few things, not some things, but ALL things) God is working for the good of those who love Jesus and for His ultimate Glory.  If we truly believe what scripture tells us, there is not a single circumstance that happens outside of the sovereignty of God's Authority and if it is not outside of His Authority, it is being used by Him for our good and for His Glory.

Disease.  Strife.  Cancer.  Genetic Discrepancies.  It is all under His Authority.  I have to trust (because frankly I'd be lost without this truth) that God is using every circumstance for His Glory.  If it is for His Glory, it is inherently for my good.  If it is for my good, I can keep persevering through.  That is resilience.   Course correcting through mistakes, through hardships, through trial after trail after trial... being brought back to the foot of the cross with the truth that it is all for His Glory and my good.  Resiliency.

So, as we head into downtown later this morning for Ashley's MRI and follow up with her NeuroOnc, I will carry this truth with me.  Ash will hear me say it (no less than 5 times) and no matter what we may hear, Ashley and I will cling to the truth that Jesus is on the throne and that truth will never change.  And should we leave tomorrow with good news or not-so-good news, we will praise God all the same, because in Him we are resilient.