The calm before the storm. I have heard that phrase countless times before. I don't know if I've ever experienced that phrase in such a palpable way as I have over the past week.
What you'll find in this post is going to be straight to the point, not a lot of analysis or commentary; plenty of time for that later... I promise (I've mentioned a few times in earlier post that writing these posts serves as a bit of therapy for me and I can guarantee that in the coming days there's going to be a need for therapy).
Since the last post, Ashley's health has continued its decline. We've had some stumbles and trips and one significant fall this past Sunday. Words come and go (heavier emphasis on the 'go'). Weakness in movement is growing more common. Understanding logic and typical actions are increasingly more difficult. Though, there is a slight feel of maybe slowing the descent of decline in the past 24 hours (meaning, it's been relatively uneventful and Ash has been able to be awake/aware a little longer) this is probably attributed to the doubling of her steroids. Yet, the story continues though... she is not doing well and there is nothing, medically speaking, that would indicate a change in that trajectory.
After a rough weekend and start to this week, I had several conversations with her medical team. Many of the conversations were walking through her current state and discussing the notes from her last scan / visit. I wanted so desperately to think that this could just be her typical January dip (basically a recovery month after the energy-draining Christmas season) and that things would level off and we'd keep marching forward. It does not appear that that's going to be the case this time around. So, as much as I wanted to make it to mid-February before having the discussion surrounding Home Health/Hospice... I found myself having the conversation multiple times this week.
[[Sidebar conversation that I will likely have more to say about in the future: For the loved ones that have had to have discussions about Hospice and wrestling with the decisions around that... wow, I have a deep respect for you.]]
After many hours of struggle (on my end), Ashley and I made the decision to move toward Hospice.
Once the decision was made, hours of research performed and contact made... we sat down with Hospice Friday. We went through a brief history, current state, medications and potential needs that our family currently has. Once that was complete, the nurse did a vitals check on Ash and then we sent her to take a nap. From there, I sat down with the nurse and detailed out her medications. I signed several papers and with that... Ashley is now on hospice.
The gravity of this move grows heavier minute by minute. Mortality is finally at our doorstep. With each conversation this past week, I've noticed my demeanor growing more dim. My voice has softened, my reactions are muted... when I mentioned the calm before the storm earlier, this is what comes to mind. There is a calm amidst a brewing storm. Both the known and the unknown are making their presence felt. We've known this was the course, yet the unknown of the details are slowly starting to reveal themselves.
I know that with this announcement of Ashley moving to hospice will generate a pull to want to visit, etc. I will do my best to communicate when that would be appropriate but for now, as we adjust to another 'new normal' we are holding off on lots of interaction and visits for now. In the mean time, I've set up an email address that is serving as a repository of encouragement and notes for Ash. Videos, Audio files, and visual messages are the easiest to digest, but if you write an email I will make sure that she gets it! This has already proven to be an encouragement for her, so if you feel inclined... know that it will serve her well. Also, Marco Polo has been her best friend as of late; so if you've got that and want to connect on there... she'd enjoy that as well.
The email address is TheEncouragementExchange@gmail.com
I'll have more updates in the near future, but that's all for now. As I've said in previous entries, though this is incredibly difficult and it's sometimes hard to see any redeeming story interwoven with the pain and ache that comes with this journey... there is, with absolute certainty, a deeply held hope that regardless of failing flesh, the sovereignty of God and sufficiency of Jesus hold all of this together and knowing those things are true... there is a peace that accompanies that.
I'll close with these words from Scripture: My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. - Psalm 73:26
These words, this Truth, brings so much peace and perspective. Let it resonate deeply with you right now. God is so very good.
Continued prayers for Ashley and her family and complete awe /admiration of your testimony.
ReplyDeletePraying that the Lord will
ReplyDeleteLovingly surround and guide you through this difficult process.
Gracious Father, please strengthen and comfort our cousins as You carry them through this difficult trial. Remind them that sickness & separation are only temporary for those who love You. Encourage their hearts, provide all that is needed, and allow them to bring You glory and honor even in the depths of grief and heartache. Thank You for the hope of glory that is only found in our Savior Jesus! We pray all these things in His precious name. 🙏❤️
ReplyDeleteLove y’all! Will reach out to Ash on Marco Polo/audio text. 🤍
ReplyDeleteContinuing to pray for all of you and trust God to be with each of you at all times!!!
ReplyDeletePraying for physical comfort for her and emotional comfort for all.
ReplyDeletePraying for you all.
ReplyDeleteJust discovered your book today that I plan to get for my grandchildren.
ReplyDeleteThis trial has born fruit in ways that no one can yet see, & your clinging to God and his goodness and love through this, is a testimony to his keeping power and his steadfast love that is carrying you.
“ FAITH in a FAITHFUL GOD will stretch us to the limits of our physical, emotional, social, intellectual and spiritual beings, but the stretching will serve only to expand our capacity to know God and in the knowing to discover the vast potential of a life lived by faith.”
You are being stretched in ways that no one wants to go through, but we know that it is door to where we all long to be…. clinging to our Father. Surely, we are here in this world, to discover how desperately we need him and you are leading us.
Oh God and Savior, thank you for walking with his family and pouring into their lives and transforming them into vessels of your compassion, mercy, and love.
I am still praying for a "divine intervention" for Ashley. God still has this for you and your family.
ReplyDelete