Ever Singing For Joy

Working through this season is proving to be more challenging than I thought it would be. With no real understanding of what this life would look like once Ashley died, I can safely say I underestimated my emotional resiliency. My writing (read as: therapy) instances are increasing.  In the chaos of the day-to-day operations, it's becoming my primary outlet to think, process and then expunge from inside of my head.  There are fewer opportunities to gather together with others.  There are even fewer opportunities to break away for solitude/retreat. Structuring my thoughts on paper (or the computer)  is starting to feel like a normal activity again.  So, in the absence of anyone to decompress with... writing more frequently will be the foreseeable mode of release. Suffering/Grief/Pain/Sadness... whatever you want to label it as, it's exhausting. It creates a weariness that I'd rather not hold on to. Maybe it's the season change or reality continuing to set in, but...

I don't know why I've done this in recent days, but I've found myself just replaying those last few months of Ash's time here over and over.  Maybe it's my way of processing and working through some tough moments, but that mental roller coaster usually unfolds into emotional turbulence. At first, I readily pushed back against those memories when they started to intrude (because, well, they are generally sorrowful).  Though, as I thought through all of it, I kept coming back to the fact that there were some really sweet moments in those days.  The Lord was gracious to give us that time.  The Lord was gracious to give us moments together, to share, and retrospectively... He was giving us more opportunities to make memories that I now carry forward.  As I've spent time just reading stories of other widows and widowers, especially ones who lost their spouse to cancer and went through a long, arduous journey... I see SO MUCH of our story in theirs.  Certainly, t...

I haven’t written and published anything since the days following Ash’s funeral. (The weight even writing the latter half of that sentence still brings a flurry of emotions) The absence of writing out my thoughts is not for lack of content to document and record; it’s out of motivation.   I’ve said, often, to those who have asked ‘How I’m doing?’ that I’m putting one foot in front of another and letting the muscles move, but that one of the biggest struggles I’m finding in general is motivation to do anything outside of the bare necessity.   There is a bit of a vicious cycle involved with the lack of motivation and being productive in particular areas of life that require motivation. The lack of motivation produces anxiety about not getting things done and then not getting things done leads to this ‘sense of defeat’.   This was REALLY bad for the first couple of months following Ash’s death.   REALLY bad.   It does seem that these past few weeks have been a bit ...