Working through this season is proving to be more challenging than I thought it would be. With no real understanding of what this life would look like once Ashley died, I can safely say I underestimated my emotional resiliency.
My writing (read as: therapy) instances are increasing. In the chaos of the day-to-day operations, it's becoming my primary outlet to think, process and then expunge from inside of my head. There are fewer opportunities to gather together with others. There are even fewer opportunities to break away for solitude/retreat. Structuring my thoughts on paper (or the computer) is starting to feel like a normal activity again. So, in the absence of anyone to decompress with... writing more frequently will be the foreseeable mode of release.
Suffering/Grief/Pain/Sadness... whatever you want to label it as, it's exhausting. It creates a weariness that I'd rather not hold on to. Maybe it's the season change or reality continuing to set in, but these past couple of weeks have been filled with more melancholy than I'd care to admit/let on. I've gotten a lot better at masking my day to day interactions with a smile and cordial commentary, but the reality is there is an increase in this unsettled feeling. I want to be upset about it, but I also want to lean in to it. It feels weird to want to be unsettled or to desire to hurt, but if I keep pushing it to the side or trying to ignore it... it's only going to gain traction and grow into something worse. I tried to do that on a small scale a month and a half back and it was not pleasant for anyone in our sphere.
Among the many common themes related to suffering while reading through various episodes in scripture, one theme is standing out like a ripe piece of fruit ready for picking. It's that suffering produces a capacity for empathy. One of empathy's primary byproducts is the awakening of compassion (be it a newly formed drive toward a specific group of people or a tangible expression toward a particular situation). If there is an area of my life that I long to look more in line with what Jesus calls us to, it's to be more compassionate.
When I reflect back on Ashley's life, compassion will always be one of the foremost attributes I will remember about her. She ached for others so easily. She was frequently stirred to action by her compassion for others. There are times she struggled with feeling inadequate in certain situations but in those moments, I would always remind her that her superpower was 'heart'. It was true. That 'heart' was also one of the biggest encouragements to the girls and me. Even as her days drew to a close here, she was still so focused on caring for others and encouraging them where they were. Imitate me as I imitate Christ comes to mind when I see the model she lay before our family. Oh that the Lord would be gracious to continue to grow this area of my life. The cost of this growth is enduring an ongoing suffering. To frame suffering, not as a negative or ongoing catastrophe, but instead to view it through the lens of the means by which God will mold and shape a future version of me... it girds up a foundation to know that suffering isn't wasted... that it's used for my reproof and ultimately to reflect the Glory of the Father all the more.
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