'Tis The Season

'Tis the season.  The back end of the holidays is probably one of the weirdest seasons thus far.  I've found myself wanting to retreat in my own mind.  I had a lot of time over the past few weeks to myself.  My girls were in Texas for the entirety of their Christmas break.  I spent a week out in Texas with them, but I bookended either side of Christmas with some time to myself back in Alabama.  I had made tentative plans to travel and 'get-away' but the reality is... when that time came I didn't want to do any of that.  The thought of traveling and getting away was so appealing until it was time to pull the trigger.  So, when the time came (along with my lack of planning the logistics ahead of time), I defaulted to what was comfortable and routine.  I spent that time at home or in a coffee shop.  It was uneventful, moderately restful and definitely provided opportunities for my brain to run in overdrive.  

I often use the analogy of a snowball rolling down a hill when I talk about how actions beget continued actions. Isolated time in thought is no exception.  I find that when I get in my own head, I tend to stay there and it's often difficult to get out of there.  With the holiday season wrapping up, there is something along the lines of a hangover of spent emotions.  The other day I was talking with a friend about how this season of life feels much like a workout for the emotions.  In a physical workout, you lift heavy, break down muscle and are sore as the body works to repair and strengthen what you just broke down.  The same applies to these emotionally intensive moments/seasons.  You flex these emotions (whether willingly or not) and they are damaged/broken down.  There is, then, this latent period afterward that generates this 'emotional soreness'.  It manifests in the form of apathy/weariness to want to participate in much.  Much like a sore muscle, there are still motions that are fine and don't hurt too bad... but every now and then you move a certain way and there is such a pang of being uncomfortable that you wince a little and have to slow down.  The emotional burden is no different.  Things can be going along just fine, but then a moment strikes in such a way that you just retreat into your thoughts and you force a period of slowing down.

I'm sure that analogy breaks down at some point, but it paints a fair picture of the attitude of this season.  I think the thing I'm currently facing is the close out of the holidays, our anniversary was January 2nd and my birthday is on Monday.  It's just one thing back to back to back.  When Ash was alive, I loved this season.  It was a celebration of sorts all in one compact period of the year.  It definitely hasn't felt like that this year.  I do not make a deal out of my birthday.  I'd just as soon that day come and go without a word being said about it.  Ash didn't operate that way.  In fact, I had to fight Ash on making a deal out of it... literally every year.  But... I will miss those moments of talking her down.  Other than that, it'll just be another day of reflection.  I know I can't stay in this zone forever, but there is something about this season of being in my own head that is comforting.  Maybe because I live there more often than not and it feels 'routine'.  Yes, it can run away from me and create an unhealthy atmosphere (and I'm probably there more than I should be)... but at this stage of life, I'm ok with a little bit of that.

I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I know that today feels like work.  It feels heavy at times.  It feels like a chaotic mess at times.  I don't feel like I have a grasp on the direction of anything.  And yet, there is some solace in that.  There is some comfort in that.  It's almost like things could go any direction and I'm growing to be more ok with that.  I know what has to get done in a day as far as my family goes and I'll do those things... the rest of the time I just keep making motion forward... doing the next right thing.  I'm eager to move to the next season of life, and as much as I want to get there... I'm confident there is still more to experience and learn in the here and now.  The question I have to keep asking myself is 'am I searching for what that is?'.  Am I getting so wrapped up in my own thoughts that I lose sight of what's in front of me?  I know that God continues to provide opportunities for growth, but in my own ignorance and *cough* disobedience at times... I miss out on some of those moments.  Here's to paying attention to what's going on around me and investing in those opportunities when God opens them up.

Anyways, enough of my ramblings for the moment.  Putting pen to paper (really fingers to a keyboard) still proves to be the best way to dump my thoughts.  I've stopped publicizing each post I write, because they are nonsensical at times and don't provide much insight into how things are going (other than my random thoughts).  I'll still keep up this writing for the time being, but (again) with the increase in wanting to retreat inward, I don't know if the frequency will continue to be the same.