Good Evening -
Before I get in to the official update and analysis of what's going on with Ashley, I want to take a minute to acknowledge something that's pretty spectacular: that would be the UAB staff. From our neurosurgeon, neurologist, consult teams, nurses, students and even the custodian/janitorial personnel, they have all been professional and empathetic. I'd also point out they've answered my (numerous) questions about what's going on, what to expect and how the devices, electrodes, and medicinal processes work. (I ask a ridiculous amount of questions; it's how I learn... and in this case, how I deal with what could be an overly stressful situation) All in all, I am so thankful that God has provided such a wonderful staff for this experience. It's funny (funny may not be the right word) how we worry so much about things we have zero control over and yet in the thick of a storm those 'things' don't really seem to matter anymore. Conversely, the things you never once give any thought to before you go through something turn out to be the very things that are used to provide comfort. Kudos to UAB and how they've hired / trained their people and how their people execute their jobs. I am thankful for where we are and the people we are getting to interact with.
There will always be something awry on this side of glory; the question I have to ask myself is, "Do you flounder in the chaos or do you take hold of The Almighty's Hand and make a move?" I hope that you can answer that questions with conviction and that your answer lands you in the embrace of Jesus.
Now, on to my bride. (If you want to abbreviate your reading, scroll down for a more bullet-friendly list of What to Expect and How to Pray, otherwise keep reading from here for some random thoughts and status updates; again, part of the reason I'm writing all of this is for the fact that I want to remember it and it's somewhat therapeutic [as believe me, I need as much of that right now as possible])
Starting our first full day post surgery proved to be a less than exciting, at least as far as activity went. Ashley, still being in a medically induced coma remained fairly docile throughout the morning hours. She still had some sporadic movements (side note: nurses seem so steel-nerved that it's impressive; I'm caught off guard every time) of her arms and sitting to try and cough.
It's apparent that she does NOT like having a tube down her throat. When she's aroused into an episode of coughing, I'll typically talk to her and explain that she's intubated. I usually say something to the effect of, "Ash, you've got a breathing tube in as part of your recovery. We didn't even discuss having one of these as an option. I know it's scary and it's uncomfortable, but try and relax. We are working toward getting it out." (Remember the previous statement for a later point) Knowing full well that we are working that way, it's just a slow process. Living through these moments pulls down on my heart. As we sit together in this room, I am reminded more and more that there is a problem and I can't fix it, but more on that later...
In the later hours of the afternoon / early evening, we started to reduce one of her drips that is keeping her sedated. It, again, is a slow process but a step in the right direction. She has fairly tolerated the reductions in medication. There have been moments of extreme agitation on her part (i.e. coughing, yawning, visibly uncomfortable) but we are able to keep some of that at bay with narcotics for the time being. Feels funny to use the word narcotics because the only time I hear that word being thrown around is in the news and someone has usually be arrested, but tonight, I am the biggest fan of narcotic use (for my wife's sake).
It's currently 2:45am and while there have been some points of concern, we are in a better position than we were 24 hours ago. We haven't wandered any deeper into the dark woods.
I have never been in a situation like this before. Even when I lost my dad back in 2008 and spending those hours in the ICU with him before he passed away, those moments then (while painful) were a different type of pain. This is worse. There is a part of me laying in that bed and that part is hurting and it is going to take time and patience to recover.
Ashley is such a fighter; I would submit that she is stronger than most anyone I know. Her resolve is so captivating and her apparent resilience to sedatives is nothing short of a superhero ability (now, when that would actually be a useful superhero ability... I'll leave that to the comic book professionals), but she is a fighter all the same. One of the things we struggled with leading up to the surgery is having to continuously correct our motivations. She is a loving mother and she loves being a mother. Our two girls are nothing short of incredible and for a time were the focus of our conversation about being motivated to get through this procedure. There was a period where Ashley and I kept using the girls to fight and make it through this surgery. While on the surface, that's not bad; it did create a conflict of interest the more we kept saying it. While the recall of how wonderful our girls are (and I hope to this point) has given Ash something to think about to make her happy or calm her down, we don't want them to be used as the motivation to get better... I'll explain. The more we dove into this point, the more we realized what we really wanted was "instead of the girls being the motivation, let's put Jesus in that position". Instead of focusing on fighting through to return to motherhood; what if she focuses on returning to being a daughter of the King. She struggled with this process for a few weeks. It wasn't until about a week ago that she said to me one night before bed, "I want Jesus more than I want to be a mom.". Oh to have this faith!
Let's remember that phrase from earlier, you know, the one about not discussing the breathing tube before the surgery. As I sit here and replay my conversations with Ash over the past few weeks in my head, it's becoming more and more clear that no matter how well I prepare for the things of this world (read as: life events like weddings, kids being born, big work meetings, presentations, etc.) the more I realize that I cannot think of everything or be prepared for everything. Praise God for that. If I could, I'd never get anything done because I'd just sit there and continually be frozen in thought because of the endless possibilities of problems that could arise when I do anything. I guess the reason I'm writing about this is because having a 'plan' is not in and of itself a bad thing... it's just that, it's 'my' plan and that's not necessarily (in fact, I would say it's often times) the plan that God is executing. I tend to want to be in control (it's laughable that I'd even write that out... and if you know me at all, you'd laugh right now). I love order and systematic processes and in illness there is a lot of times disorder and chaos... at least on the surface that we have to deal with. There is no chaos with God; He is the One that brings order. He is the constant in the storm.
Being by Ashley's side for two days straight has taught me a few lessons that I think are worthwhile:
Before I get in to the official update and analysis of what's going on with Ashley, I want to take a minute to acknowledge something that's pretty spectacular: that would be the UAB staff. From our neurosurgeon, neurologist, consult teams, nurses, students and even the custodian/janitorial personnel, they have all been professional and empathetic. I'd also point out they've answered my (numerous) questions about what's going on, what to expect and how the devices, electrodes, and medicinal processes work. (I ask a ridiculous amount of questions; it's how I learn... and in this case, how I deal with what could be an overly stressful situation) All in all, I am so thankful that God has provided such a wonderful staff for this experience. It's funny (funny may not be the right word) how we worry so much about things we have zero control over and yet in the thick of a storm those 'things' don't really seem to matter anymore. Conversely, the things you never once give any thought to before you go through something turn out to be the very things that are used to provide comfort. Kudos to UAB and how they've hired / trained their people and how their people execute their jobs. I am thankful for where we are and the people we are getting to interact with.
"Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." Matthew 6: 25-34
Our God is a God of order and calm. He does not grow things in to chaos. If our every breath is meant to reflect His glory, I have failed in many areas of my life to do that; but, in this process I have seen God show himself to be more powerful, more loving, and a provider more than I ever have before. I feel like I'm walking through dark times, but His Word is truly a lamp unto my feet. Even though I go through moments of struggle with everything that's happening, taking a minute to ask God for strength in those moments has never been so intimate as it has been for the past 36 hours. Every. Single. Time. God has provided. Even when I feel like my faith is small, He provides.There will always be something awry on this side of glory; the question I have to ask myself is, "Do you flounder in the chaos or do you take hold of The Almighty's Hand and make a move?" I hope that you can answer that questions with conviction and that your answer lands you in the embrace of Jesus.
Now, on to my bride. (If you want to abbreviate your reading, scroll down for a more bullet-friendly list of What to Expect and How to Pray, otherwise keep reading from here for some random thoughts and status updates; again, part of the reason I'm writing all of this is for the fact that I want to remember it and it's somewhat therapeutic [as believe me, I need as much of that right now as possible])
Starting our first full day post surgery proved to be a less than exciting, at least as far as activity went. Ashley, still being in a medically induced coma remained fairly docile throughout the morning hours. She still had some sporadic movements (side note: nurses seem so steel-nerved that it's impressive; I'm caught off guard every time) of her arms and sitting to try and cough.
It's apparent that she does NOT like having a tube down her throat. When she's aroused into an episode of coughing, I'll typically talk to her and explain that she's intubated. I usually say something to the effect of, "Ash, you've got a breathing tube in as part of your recovery. We didn't even discuss having one of these as an option. I know it's scary and it's uncomfortable, but try and relax. We are working toward getting it out." (Remember the previous statement for a later point) Knowing full well that we are working that way, it's just a slow process. Living through these moments pulls down on my heart. As we sit together in this room, I am reminded more and more that there is a problem and I can't fix it, but more on that later...
In the later hours of the afternoon / early evening, we started to reduce one of her drips that is keeping her sedated. It, again, is a slow process but a step in the right direction. She has fairly tolerated the reductions in medication. There have been moments of extreme agitation on her part (i.e. coughing, yawning, visibly uncomfortable) but we are able to keep some of that at bay with narcotics for the time being. Feels funny to use the word narcotics because the only time I hear that word being thrown around is in the news and someone has usually be arrested, but tonight, I am the biggest fan of narcotic use (for my wife's sake).
It's currently 2:45am and while there have been some points of concern, we are in a better position than we were 24 hours ago. We haven't wandered any deeper into the dark woods.
I have never been in a situation like this before. Even when I lost my dad back in 2008 and spending those hours in the ICU with him before he passed away, those moments then (while painful) were a different type of pain. This is worse. There is a part of me laying in that bed and that part is hurting and it is going to take time and patience to recover.
Ashley is such a fighter; I would submit that she is stronger than most anyone I know. Her resolve is so captivating and her apparent resilience to sedatives is nothing short of a superhero ability (now, when that would actually be a useful superhero ability... I'll leave that to the comic book professionals), but she is a fighter all the same. One of the things we struggled with leading up to the surgery is having to continuously correct our motivations. She is a loving mother and she loves being a mother. Our two girls are nothing short of incredible and for a time were the focus of our conversation about being motivated to get through this procedure. There was a period where Ashley and I kept using the girls to fight and make it through this surgery. While on the surface, that's not bad; it did create a conflict of interest the more we kept saying it. While the recall of how wonderful our girls are (and I hope to this point) has given Ash something to think about to make her happy or calm her down, we don't want them to be used as the motivation to get better... I'll explain. The more we dove into this point, the more we realized what we really wanted was "instead of the girls being the motivation, let's put Jesus in that position". Instead of focusing on fighting through to return to motherhood; what if she focuses on returning to being a daughter of the King. She struggled with this process for a few weeks. It wasn't until about a week ago that she said to me one night before bed, "I want Jesus more than I want to be a mom.". Oh to have this faith!
Let's remember that phrase from earlier, you know, the one about not discussing the breathing tube before the surgery. As I sit here and replay my conversations with Ash over the past few weeks in my head, it's becoming more and more clear that no matter how well I prepare for the things of this world (read as: life events like weddings, kids being born, big work meetings, presentations, etc.) the more I realize that I cannot think of everything or be prepared for everything. Praise God for that. If I could, I'd never get anything done because I'd just sit there and continually be frozen in thought because of the endless possibilities of problems that could arise when I do anything. I guess the reason I'm writing about this is because having a 'plan' is not in and of itself a bad thing... it's just that, it's 'my' plan and that's not necessarily (in fact, I would say it's often times) the plan that God is executing. I tend to want to be in control (it's laughable that I'd even write that out... and if you know me at all, you'd laugh right now). I love order and systematic processes and in illness there is a lot of times disorder and chaos... at least on the surface that we have to deal with. There is no chaos with God; He is the One that brings order. He is the constant in the storm.
Being by Ashley's side for two days straight has taught me a few lessons that I think are worthwhile:
- Jesus is solely the reason we are even alive. He is the only reason I haven't fallen to pieces. He is the only constant in an otherwise state of spinning plates in my life. Literally, in Him all things hold together and I'm starting to see a picture of what that actually looks like.
- People (in this case a person) are more important than processes. They are more important than tests, results, outcomes, statistics. People are created in God's image and there is an honor in that.
- It is apparent to me that my patience is an area that I am going to have to grow in. This was a day worth waiting for because it afforded us a cool down period where the body could work to correct issues and where we could start to adjust to the fact that this is not a sprint.
- A lot of things I cared about 48 hours ago, don't actually matter; which is funny, because I said the same thing back in June when we found out she had something serious going on. I refined the list of what I thought was important then and even those refined things aren't that important. Critical situations cause a significant re-evaluation of what truly matters. If only, I could be in a position where I treasured what truly matters in the non-critical moments.
- Relationships with people are more crucial than I previously gave them credit for.
- It's important to share life with people: Good, Easy, Hard, Dire Situations. It doesn't matter what it is; relationships with people are how we are meant to live. Isolationism, a pull of the flesh to be alone, is not healthy.
- Stop taking moments for granted. If you have something worthwhile to tell someone, tell them. No more excuses or procrastination. I'll tell you right now, I've missed opportunities at times to tell my wife that I love her (be in I was in a hurry or we argued over something trivial that I remained bull-headed on); and at this moment, the regret now of missing out on those moments is not worth the pride that 'carried' me through those moments then.
Speaking of important things to mention... I cannot ignore the fact that through this process we have garnered the attention of people we haven't had contact ever before. There are relationships of old that have come out of the woodwork. Hear me when I say, I appreciate every single one of you. You don't know it, but you are being used by God to provide comfort to my heart, to Ashley's heart and to our family's heart. The numerous messages that I've received from all around the country (and even the World) have been such an encouragement. I want to respond to every one and I'm trying, but my priority is my wife and the deeper we go in to this rabbit hole, the less available time I am finding that I have. Please hear me say this: You continue to be an encouragement to my battered heart. Thank you. I hope you all know the love of Jesus and that He is your Savior. I hope you grasp the magnitude of needing a Savior. If not, message me. It is important enough for my attention to shift from my wife, to you, for that. I have prayed and will continue to pray that anyone who comes across this story will walk away having seen the power of God on display; because without that, there is no way we'd be making it through any of this.
Where we currently stand (now it is 3:45am):
We are one step away from being off of one of the drips altogether.As I wrote that statement, the nurse just came in and completely turned off drip #1. If she can hold her own, this will be a huge step toward waking up.- Ashley has some discomfort and disorientation when she is aroused, but fortunately, she can have some narcotics to help settle that down.
- I'm looking at her EEG and things appear calm.
- Ashley is still alive and at times, kicking :)
- This marathon is going to be a long race.
Things I ask you to pray for:
- Smooth transition off of sedative #1.
- That seizure activity would be minimal to none in this transition.
- Ashley's comfort and calm of mind.
- My mother-in-law and sister-in-law as they are having to work through all of this while caring for our daughters so that I can be at Ash's bedside.
- Wisdom in how to proceed forward (wisdom for the medical staff, for me, etc.)
- That in this process, we would make much of Jesus and less of us.
More to follow as things unfold, but for now, I'm going to try and get a few minutes of rest.
-David
I’m so touched, challenged, inspired and in awe of your faith. My day will not be the same . Prayers continue for your precious family.
ReplyDeleteHey brother, thanks so much for sharing. Thank you for being transparent as you walk through these dark woods. May the lamp burn even brighter still.
ReplyDeleteIt's an honor to be praying with and for you.
Much love from TZ.
Praying fervently for you and your precious family.
ReplyDeleteLove in Jesus from your sister in Christ!
Debbie Alley
Good morning,
ReplyDeleteI’m a speech-language pathology student intern at United Ability, and I’ve talked with your sweet wife before. I just wanted to let you know that you and your family are constantly in my prayers right now. Your faith is incredible, and it’s truly amazing to see you using Jesus as your platform during this trialing situation. Please know that you are fervently being prayed for. His plan is greater than what any of us could imagine, and I know the Lord is working through both you and Ashley right now. Thank you so much for the updates.
Rebekah Waldrum
Hello,
ReplyDeleteYou and your wife do not know me, but I've been keeping up with your journey through several of my friends on Facebook (Trinka Kremers & Heidi Judkins being two of those friends). I've been praying for Ashley, you & your LO's, and families since I heard your story. As I read your updates, I'm in awe of your faith and love of the Lord! I can't imagine having to walk the path set forth now, and yet y'all have never wavered from proclaiming each day in the name of Jesus! As you said in a previous post, your pray for God to open doors and allow a way to be a light in this world wasn't answered with a plan/journey you had in mind. However, this plan & journey was exactly what He had already put in motion. And already you've touched so many, and will continue to do so in the coming days/weeks/months/ and perhaps years! My heart & life is included in that number. ❤️
My prayers will continue - Julie Pevey
🙏🙏
ReplyDeleteHis Love and Peace will always be there to rely on. Prayers for your strength and your family's comfort. God has Ashley in his loving hands. Thank you for using your life as a statue to Faith in God!
ReplyDeleteKathy Carlisle
David, the Miller family in NC is praying for Ashley (and you all) today. Jesus is so very in love with you, He is there with you. I pray that you all feel the Holy Spirit hugging you in a miraculous way today. God bless you all.
ReplyDeleteSincerely,
Jon Miller and family (Rachel, Samantha and Logan)
Dear David,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing your heart and your journey God has placed you on...what an inspiration you are to me. I am on a journey of my own and my hearts desire is to be pleasing to The Father in each and every step of my journey. I will join you in prayer for so many things, healing, peace, comfort, encouragement, strength, endurance, patience, joy, but most of all that you will stand strong in the knowledge that OUR GOD is in control and HE KNOWS exactly what He is doing even when we don't. Much love my brother as we journey together for His Glory! Lee Coggins
Praying for your wife and y'all's family. God is so merciful and gracious to all of us. Hold steady in your faith as God leads you through this journey. Jesus is our healer!
ReplyDeletePraying for you, your wife and your family. Praise the Lord for His loving kindness and how He shines forth in your life. May His comfort be constantly around all of you. No need to reply. I just thank you for allowing us to look in at your journey of faith and share in the prayers.
ReplyDeleteHello David! Thank you for the update! During my time with the Lord this afternoon, I was drawn to the story of Jehoshaphat in 2 Chronicles 20. Against unfathomable odds, Jehoshaphat declared, “For we have no power to face this vast army that is attacking us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you.” In answer, the Lord said, “Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you.”
ReplyDeleteIn response to what the Lord said, Jehoshaphat fell on his face before the Lord in worship and he offered up praise to God. Jehoshaphat stood before his people and said, “Listen to me! Have faith in the Lord your God and you will be upheld; have faith in his prophets and you will be successful.” Then Jehoshaphat appointed men to sing to the Lord and to praise Him for the splendor of His holiness as they went out at the head of the army, saying: “Give thanks to the Lord, for His love endures forever.” As they began to sing and praise, the Lord set ambushes against the enemy and the enemy was defeated. Because Jehoshaphat and his people praised and worshipped God during the heat of the battle that raged before them, they reaped the rewards and returned home, filled with joy.
I was, also, drawn to James 1:2-3 Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.
And then, I was drawn to Lamentations 3:22-23 The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.
From cover to cover, God’s Word tells the story of Gods glory and His faithfulness and steadfast love toward us...His chosen children.
David, continue to honor God with praise and worship! He will faithfully see you through this storm. In the meantime, I, along with countless others will continue to hold you up in prayer.
Your Sister In Christ,
Denise
Praying for a positive outcome.
ReplyDeletePraying for your family! Your faith in Jesus is an encouragement for me to look to Him way more often than I do. Thank you for updating us on your wife.
ReplyDeletePraying for all your prayer request. May you always feel the presence of our Savior and especially through your trials and may you be strengthened through Him.
ReplyDeleteStill praying and hope to receive an update soon!!!
ReplyDeleteStill praying and would love to hear some kind of update when you can.
ReplyDelete
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