Everything Comes Down to This...

To Tell You The Truth,

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases

his mercies never come to an end

they are new every morning

great is your faithfulness.

"The Lord is my portion," says my soul,

"therefore I will hope in Him."

Lamentations 3:22-24

Below is the most important message I'll ever have to offer and the most important message I hope you hear through the entirety of our journey...

You know, it's funny (...it's funny how I keep using the phrase, 'it's funny', but anyways...) until last night I hadn't really listened to music during this entire process with Ashley.  I usually have a soundtrack for every season of life.  There's something intimate about having music to sink or swell the emotion of life's events.  During these past few days, I have neither wanted to sink or swell anything... I've wanted everything to stay as still as possible for fear that if the wrong thing moved, everything would break.

That's where the the irony sets in though, everything is already broken.  We are having to experience a rough stage of life right now as a result of that brokenness.  The world is broken, EVERYTHING is broken. (Hang with me for a few more paragraphs before you start thinking I've gone all fatalistic on everything...)  I mean everything is broken in the sense that from the fall of man, we've experienced death (not simply a metaphorical death, but a literal/physical/spiritual death).  Fast forward from Genesis 3 to present day, and we still have the same problem.  We think we know better than the One who allowed us to 'know better' in the first place.  The death I'm talking about works in some sneaky and some not-so-sneaky ways.  There is outright physical, instant death and then there are the subtle ways that death works through selfishness/pride of you and I and finds a way (in whatever the situation) to say that what "You/I" know is better than what God knows (Meaning, we find ways to justify anything by saying we know what's best for us, not the Creator who knitted us together in the womb).  The latter way death asserts itself is something we have all (as in every person that has ever been born: past, present and future) got in common (Romans 3:23).  Seems realistic (not fatalistic) to say that everything is broken and dying.

What Ashley's facing medically and what our family is facing as a whole could create a lot of fear (scratch that, it absolutely creates a lot of fear).  There is SO much uncertainty and chaos surrounding the prognosis and treatments of this disease (especially given that it is now likely 'worse' than what we were expecting).  Rest assured, I am terrified (because I don't want to physically lose my best friend) inside and am prone to fall into a mental loop of 'what if's' and 'how's' and that typically ends with me losing my external composure (which unfortunately, this happens at random times throughout the day and night... so, sorry to whoever is nearby, you're going to be in an awkward situation)... BUT...

God's grace is nothing short of supernatural and the result of a loving, merciful Savior who has met me where I can't stand and has scooped me up in His embrace.  God's provision of the Church and its selfless outreach from places around the world (literally...) has been how His mercy and grace have been made manifest in my family's life.  I have never experienced community like this before.  I don't know how to handle it at times (and that's ok... I'm taking it for the gift that it is).  If you have been a part of the community I'm talking about, know that God is so glorified because you have lifted a brother and sister up in ways we otherwise wouldn't have been...

In the past couple of days, multiple people have asked me "how I've kept it together" or they've said "I don't think I could handle this the same way you are handling it"... LET ME BE CLEAR, I've got nothing together and if it were left to just me I'd be falling apart at the seams with no hope of rescue.  The first blog post I wrote was really intended to document the day and the status of the dire situation we ended the day in... It was written so I'd be able to come back and remember what happened because (much like a wedding day) it all happened so fast that it was a blur.  The truth is, I don't remember writing half of that blog (especially when I go back and read it); the reassurance and hope that was written into that blog was nothing short of God providing comfort to me (and so apparently, others) at that time.

The real answer to keeping it together is knowing you don't have to.  Everything is broken and dying. Everyone is broken and dying.  Every situation is broken and dying.  There is absolutely nothing that you or I can do on our own accord to prevent/stop/heal that brokenness and dying.  Not to get all Ecclesiastes on everyone (Everything is Meaningless), but we literally have no hope of rescue in this world... apart from Jesus.

Let me restate that in a different way:  Jesus is the only bridge between brokenness and dying (read as: Ashley's health and this whole situation) and a peace and hope that surpasses our abilities and understanding.

When Jesus sought me and redeemed me, I learned these truths (through reading the Bible, praying and discipleship).  In times of struggle and sorrow (before this current journey), God provided similar peace and strength.  Now, in this struggle, I've seen God do some pretty amazing things through so many people.  God has shown His mercy in many ways by caring for my family and those affected by our journey.  The more I've grown in my relationship with Jesus; the more I realize I have absolutely nothing to bring to the table except a broken and contrite heart (read all of Psalm 51).  It is all His to begin with and it is all His to do with as He ordains.  He works everything for our good and ultimately for His glory. 

In the end, His glory is all that matters.  The only thing of any significance in this life is urgently making much of Him and less of us.  I know whole heartedly that this is why we are on this journey.  Right here, right now is why Ashley and I were put here on the Earth in this community.  (Consequently, it is why you are in the stage of life you are currently in as well) Our lives are meant to reflect Jesus.  No doubt, I screw that up royally at times and the way I talk or act are far from reflecting my Savior... however, I know that His grace, mercy and love redeems me, even in those times of screwing up.  I rest in the fact that no matter what happens with my wife, no matter what happens with me, no matter what happens with our children, no matter how my family is affected by this journey... Jesus has control.  He is holding us close.  He alone is worth every second of the struggle.  His Name is the reason that this is all going to be ok (not 'ok' as in the sense of ending with rainbows and butterflies, but 'ok' in the sense that He alone is worthy and, come what may, to our last breath we will praise His name because there is NO circumstance in this life that can shake Jesus from his Throne).

The only call on my life is to lay it down.  The only call on your life is to lay it down.  That's the beauty of true Christianity. If there is doubt and worry that you aren't good enough to approach the God over all of the universe... you're right and that's the point.  You and I can do nothing; we can't get anything 'organized and in place before we come' to the throne.  It is as simple as this: "confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one believes and is justified, and with the mouth one confesses and is saved. For the Scripture says, “Everyone who believes in him will not be put to shame.” For there is no distinction between Jew and Greek; for the same Lord is Lord of all, bestowing his riches on all who call on him. For “everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.”" (Romans 10:9-13)

I so hope that Christ is calling you to Himself this morning/afternoon.  If you are a follower of Christ and He is Lord of your life, take heart for we (your brother and sister) are all part of the same faith family and we will rejoice in His Name come what may.  If you aren't a follower of Jesus, I want that for you.  I want you to really know the Hope and Peace that my wife and I have.  I want that for you, desperately; because if you ever have to go through something like what we're going through, I want you to be able to draw on the peace/strength He provides.  I want you to know that His yoke is easy and His burden is light.  At the end of whatever the situation you face, I want for you to be able to say "Blessed Be Your Name, Jesus".  There is life in Jesus, not in anything/anyone else.  That life is sweet.  It is real.  It is everything!

If you have scrolled down to read the bullet points, that's awesome.  I really hope you'll take time to read everything above at some point.  It adds gravity and weight to everything listed below.

Here's an update on where Ashley's at:

• PRAISE GOD for the fact that Ash is off of all sedatives, off all life assisting devices.  No ventilator, no tube feeding/receiving or otherwise.  She is talking and carrying on conversations.  Her A-Line has been removed.  She is recovering so well.  If you'd seen her yesterday morning and compared her to now, you'd never believe it was the same person. (Side note: To come from the first night in the ICU when it was literally a 'wait-and-see' situation to now is nothing short than God being merciful on my family)
• She is struggling to find words at times, especially when she is fatigued.  This is 'normal' and will hopefully continue to get better with time.
• She also struggles to recall certain memories; again, should hopefully resolve over time.
• We are moving in the direction of transitioning to a step down room, which will eventually lead to a floor room and then discharge... but let's not get ahead of ourselves. (There are plenty of things still to overcome before discharge)
• Her spirit and morale are good. She and I have had a conversation about what happened during surgery and what it means as far as treatments and prognosis.  We've settled to deal in what we know and not what we think.  Seems to be a prudent course of action.

Here are some things to pray for:

• Continued recovery in the hospital.  There are still concerns of potential seizures (especially as they are adjusting her medications to wean off of one of the two she is on).
• Recovery of the ability to communicate fully.
• Recovery of memory recall.
• That as we taper off some of the remaining IV fluids and sodium, there wouldn't be a rebound in swelling that could create some new problems.
• Ashley's state of mind and morale as she begins to process what the surgery complications mean going forward.
• Pray for the nursing staff and doctors who have already taken care of Ashley and who will take care of her going forward.  They have been such a blessing to us and I hope they know that.
• The transition from the ICU to a step-down unit then the floor and ultimately discharge (Lord willing)
• Logistics beginning to fall into place for a return home and what that will looks like as far as care taking goes (i.e. my return to work, childcare, returning to doing things in life, etc.) [Side Note: Ashley's mom and sister have been in town during this entire process thus far and have completely taken care of the kids enabling me to be by Ashley's side this entire time.  I owe them greatly for this...]
• For our girls, who still don't know much about what's going on... other than "Mommy is at the hospital and the doctors are fixing her head".  This could prove to be a hurdle that mine and Ashley's heart will need some very concentrated prayer on... (As previously written, we want them to learn that 'We want Jesus' more than anything in this life; We want them to see that lived out...)

As she continues to improve, I'm sure I'll still update this blog, but the updates may not be as frequent (managing expectations).  I pray you'll stay on board and follow our journey; we honestly attribute Ashley's current condition to the intercession you've provided.  We are finishing the first mile of the marathon and we need you now more than ever as we start to find our pace on this long run ahead of us.

Thank you. For Everything. 

Praise God Above Everything; For in Him we live and move and have our being (Acts 17:28)