Cancer and COVID

 I cry out to God Most High,

to God, who vindicates me.

He sends from heaven and saves me,

rebuking those who hotly pursue me

God sends forth his love and his faithfulness...

For great is your love, reaching to the heavens;

your faithfulness reaches to the skies.

Be exalted, O God, above the heavens;

let your glory be over all the earth.

Psalm 57 2-3;10-11

Sweet friends, we love you and are so grateful for the ways you have loved and cared for us.  It has been quite the blessing of friendship.

In recent days, our house has certainly felt the familiar feeling of "this is too much... again".  Earlier this month, I tested positive for COVID.  Cancer and COVID... it's been really, really hard.  The waves that are lapping against our boat are certainly growing stronger at times.  The seas are rocking harder and harder and if I'm honest, I'm ready for a break. Oh God, would you give us a lifeboat.

My personal experience with COVID is unique to me and I'm sure that there are plenty of stories that are much less severe and, no doubt, there are stories that are far worse than mine, but having cancer and COVID is a bad combination.  My body is so weak and the virus is so strong.  There were lots of unknowns, lots of decisions to make as part of "treating" it and certainly plenty of doubt in that "treatment".  I felt/feel scared.  My heart was/is weary.  It was/is hard.  Plenty of tears.

But the more time I spent in isolation, I realized this isn't about me.  It isn't about COVID.  It isn't about cancer.  It IS about trials.  It IS about hardship.  It IS about knowing God more intimately.  I pray God would continue to use these trials to grow my faith, to increase my hope and to build my confidence.  I've asked Him to teach me more of who He is.  That in anything we have to deal with, that He'd help me to seek Him in all circumstances.

Here are some truths I've been reminded of recently...

He is the creator of all things.  The one who knit us together in our mother's womb, can count each hair on my head, knows each star by names, knows the number of my days, controls lightness and darkness, given me each breath, and that He can speak and calm the storm.

I see God continuing to teach me new things and reinforce things He's shown me before.  He is good and great.  He is full of unfailing love.  He provided the ultimate sacrifice to be made right with Him. He is my King, my Prince of Peace, my Provider and my Healer.  He is righteous, almighty, faithful and true.  He cares so much for us.  He is always near.

So here I am diving deeper into who God is... his power and kindness.  It is refreshing to my soul during a time of LONG suffering.  His love, His name, His power.  The trials don't go away, but God has been faithful to draw me closer to Himself through them.

The process is not perfect. By no means have I dealt with these trials perfectly.  Sometimes I need more time to simmer into these truths.  So, as authentically as I can say this, it took more time than I want to admit for me to embrace some of these truths.  God is so GREAT.  Even when this is so HARD, God is Great.  He knew just where I was struggling and in a way only God could, He gently came near and showered me with love.  He didn't shame me, He didn't look at me disappointingly.  He showed mercy and grace.

God knows our suffering more deeply than even we do.  In moments when we can see our suffering as a blessing, I think it's those moments where God really pulls us closer.

I am thankful that He is showing me His perfect love and that I am fully believing in His promises.  It's taken some struggles but the outcome is being able to trust in Him without hesitation.  The joy of the Lord is truly strength. It is beautiful and I want it to last forever.

This season has been hard.  But, it's also been a reminder to pray boldly.  This world is broken.  My body is broken.  Cancer is kicking my tail and COVID hasn't helped.  It brought on much fear; but even with all of that... I'm grateful.  It seems weird to say that, but I am.  My body is SO tired. I don't feel good. I don't have much strength. In my weakness, though, God's power is made perfect.  He continues to carry me.  He is over everything.  Even though we follow Christ, it doesn't mean we are necessarily healed here on Earth, but it does mean that He is above every trial and every sickness (including mine).  Surrendering to Jesus is the only way to bring peace, peace that can't be understood apart from Him.

Thankfully, even though it's taking a long time, my COVID symptoms are gradually improving.  My cough is diminishing, my voice is slowly coming back, my body still feels crummy at times and my vitals are holding strong and steady.  The moments of short breaths are much less frequent.  Praying that God would continue to bring healing for this virus.

I know that my redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand on the earth.

Job 19:25

Thank you so much for listening, caring, reminding me of the blessing of fellowship.