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Sailing with Cheap Wood

The day started at 10° today.  Frigid.  Being one to love 'fun' experiences, I stepped outside for a minute.  It was absolutely one of the coldest environments I've been in in recent memories.  A free session of cryotherapy.  In all seriousness though, it was a moment of feeling.  A genuine moment to feel pain, thrill and a spur of questioning 'why am I doing this?'.  I both enjoyed the moment and, yet, at the same time couldn't wait to get back inside.

Why start with a story about what I did this morning?  Simply put, I'm finding that it's a good analogy for life right now.  I go from moments of just doing the same old, same old to seeking an abrupt change/desire to do something exhilarating.  Am I successful at finding those things? No, not especially; but the desire is present all the same.  I've been told a hundred times (reading back through parts of this and this is definitely hyperbole, it's more like twenty) that I need to use this Christmas break to take some time and travel and go do something exciting and for myself.  Most of the time I agree with those sentiments, but the reality is, I am not great at actually doing any of that (I know, I know... there are now opportunities to get better at it).  ...but, I loathe logistics.  I was never the trip planner.  Ash was.  She had the idea, she'd make the calls, she'd book the stays... my job was to take those plans and make it happen: transportation, food, etc.  That's what we'd do.  That's how we operated.  It worked great.  We both had ownership and trusted each other to get done what needed to get done.  Half of my team is gone, the half that started the ball rolling.  So here we are... in the midst of a Christmas break with a period of 'free' time and I have set sail with cheap wood.  I'm half way through this period and have no discernible plans to actually go do anything.  Sure there have been ideas, but I flounder in the actual planning and execution.  I essentially am drifting in the water with no rudder and slowly taking on water (read as: the time is passing quickly when the 'free' moments will no longer be here and it'll be back to the routine grind).

Why is there such a lack of execution?  Great question.  It's a bit of a double edged sword here.  I know that going to do something would be fruitful.  I just... don't want to.  And then, frustration sets in because this time is so valuable and it feels like I'm just wasting it.  Conflicted much? <sarcasm>

Is this a small part of the holiday funk that others have talked about?  Is this how things are going to be right now?  This whole, "what do I do with my time that was otherwise occupied in previous years?".  Look, I know that this too shall pass... everything does... but, I honestly do not enjoy this at all.  One of the things I miss more and more is having my person here.  The one who knows all of this about me (the fact that I don't do well when left on my own with no task list or overview of events).  She was always so good at intercepting me before these moments got here and would hit me with a couple of things to do or questions to answer and then would turn me loose.  I miss that.

I've got a few more days after Christmas where my kids will be in Texas still with Honey and Poppa.  I'll have yet another opportunity to go and do something or handle business without having to worry about the kids.  It's another opportunity to grow in an area that I never wanted to.  </end therapeutic release of thoughts that have taken up too much real estate in my mind for the past week>

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