Ever Singing For Joy

Tomorrow holds another set of scans and appointments.  I'm in a weird mix of being terrified and expectant.  How these two emotions can be intertwined, I have no idea. In every attempt to be truthful, I don't feel good.  I feel weak .  In every area and aspect of life right now, I feel weak .  A few of months ago, we had settled into a pretty good rhythm.  I was getting to get out with friends, take my girls to school, go out on Target runs and just generally operate within my new normal; but then the seizures returned and since that point I've gradually gotten weaker and more run down. This month has been really challenging physically.  We've added another seizure medication, not so much to eliminate the seizures (which is looking more likely that they will be here for the long haul) but more so to give us opportunity to grow in dosage compared to my old regimen.  This new medicine though, it's hit my body pretty hard.  My balance is ...

The unexpected seizure turned in to... seizures. If our house was an ocean, I'd say we've consistently seen some rough waters.  Yet, we have also seen beautiful sunrises. Since our big storm of a cancer diagnosis, the tide has been higher and the water a little rougher.  No smooth sailing for our crew, but the glimpses of God's Glory puts the journey back into perspective. There was a Sunday night, not too long ago, when the rolling waves grew into a choppy sea.  I had my a seizure.  It was the first in over 6 months period of stillness.  This seizure came and went in the span of a few minutes.  It was frustrating and disappointing all in that one moment.  I had a few long days and we assumed that I had just lowered my threshold and this was the price for the spent energy.  My medical team raised some of my medication to compensate.  However, a few days later, another seizure.  The next week... seizures.  It felt as though th...

Hope. We can't forget Hope. I've had the honor of praying for so many friends.  Some of them, I've never met and others I consider to be an extension of my own family.  Recently, my prayer list has gotten REALLY long. Friends with Doctor's appointments Neighbors seeking wisdom People who need healing/miracles Those in the community who are suffering/grieving Missionaries who face spiritual and physical trials that hinder the sharing of the Gospel Prayers that may seem less heavy, but are good to place before the Lord Almighty Sadly, not long ago, I looked at all these requests and felt helpless.  Oh, it was bad.  Evil upon evil.  Praying to God should unburden worries.  Asking God for wisdom should lend us to trust.  Begging God for miracles and healing should rise up our faith.  May our prayers change us; transform us! In the messy and heavy, I lost sight of Hope .  God can do anything.  There is no place His outstretc...

My oldest daughter can memorize scripture extremely fast.  I'm trying to keep up with her.  We say a verse we are memorizing to each other at least once a day.  If I make one tiny mistake or hesitate for a moment, she will not take more than a second to correct me. (i.e. "Mom, it's 'fruit', not 'fruits').  I love this about her.  She is keeping me on my toes.  We just finished a new verse (see below).  I think it's difficult to memorize because there is a list of nine items.  Each of these items characterizes a fruit of the spirit.  It is good, so very good, to know the Word of God.  Having it dwell in my heart is truly life changing and drastically shapes how I look at the world. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy,  peace, patience, kindness, goodness,  faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Galatians 5:22-23a My daughter is very good at observation.  Now that she knows this verse, she recognizes it i...

Seems that change is the only constant.  My next scan WAS planned for June 7th.  I was gearing up to be emotionally prepared for that day.  I was feeling pretty good and ready to go.  Then, what seemed like the last minute, my scans and doctor's appointment were rescheduled to THIS  Friday.  The "Let's Go!" feeling vanished and was replaced with a rock in my tummy. I needed a little time and space to cry and get it all out.  The plan was to do all of that in my home.  Obviously, that is the kind of thing to do IN. MY. HOME.  Unfortunately, I don't get to control those emotions sometimes.  They just come out when they come out.  This past Sunday at church I went from smiling to "I have scans in FIVE days."  I cried really hard at the desk in the preschool area.  The only thing that makes it less embarrassing is that there were some babies also crying.  Thank you friends of the Brook Hills Preschool Ministry for huggi...

I love Easter.  I love it so much.  I love ALL of the miracles we are reminded of during the Easter season.  I have no idea what the bunny is about, but, I do know that Easter Sunday of 1995 is when 7 year old Ashley gave her life to Christ.  BEST. DECISION. I'VE. EVER. MADE.  Seriously, the BEST! Please enjoy the picture.  It makes me smile from the inside out.  The missing tooth, the homemade Easter dress (courtesy of my mom), the glamorous red carpet, my mom's radiant smile AND (even though you can't hear it in the picture) the organ playing I Have Decided to Follow Jesus. Ok, all giggles aside, becoming a Christian course corrected  my life.  It wasn't a dramatic change on the outside (at least for me).  It was a precious first step.  Repent.  From there, God continued to work on my heart.  I grew in my faith .  Slowly.  I didn't have all of the answers overnight, but the growth in Jesus I experienced w...

Thoughts that I continually have to remind myself of: When my mind is set on God's promises, how could I possibly doubt?  When my heart is full of hope, there is no room for anxiety.  When I sing praises to the Lord, my focus shifts to Christ, not me.  When my eyes are looking toward Heaven, the world's trials and my sufferings become smaller. I am officially in the middle of my 12th round of maintenance chemotherapy! THE. LAST. ONE. It is GOOD news!  I am exhausted.  My brain is tired.  My body is worn.  I'm ready to rest.  God has been beyond gracious to me and my family during these past months of chemo.  He has brought me through, what I would consider, the unimaginable.  Not because I deserved it, but because He love me and this is part of the story He's written for me.  Thank You Lord! Blessed is the one who endures trials, because when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to ...