Ever Singing For Joy

Mobility is a term often used to indicate the ability to move or rather the relative ease associated with moving.  A lack of it would mean that something is resistant to motion.  Think of the Tin Man from The Wizard of Oz before he got the oil can and loosened up his joints.  I spent the better part of the Summer months being immobilized.  I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing, especially given all that I was trying to process at the time.  With Ash passing away in May, those first three months were a chaotic storm of trying to figure out my head from a hole in the ground.  As time has continued forward, I've had to navigate a lot of new things.  A lot of firsts.  A lot of 'how-to' moments as a single parent.  There have been so many moments I wish I could've had my bride by my side to ask what she thought.  But... here I am...  negotiating the days solo.  I, like everyone else, definitely have good and bad days.  I...

The day started at 10° today.  Frigid.  Being one to love 'fun' experiences, I stepped outside for a minute.  It was absolutely one of the coldest environments I've been in in recent memories.  A free session of cryotherapy.  In all seriousness though, it was a moment of feeling.  A genuine moment to feel pain, thrill and a spur of questioning 'why am I doing this?'.  I both enjoyed the moment and, yet, at the same time couldn't wait to get back inside. Why start with a story about what I did this morning?  Simply put, I'm finding that it's a good analogy for life right now.  I go from moments of just doing the same old, same old to seeking an abrupt change/desire to do something exhilarating.  Am I successful at finding those things? No, not especially; but the desire is present all the same.  I've been told a hundred times (reading back through parts of this and this is definitely hyperbole, it's more like twenty) that I need to u...

First things first: I want to take a minute to talk about how God has been so faithful (as if He could be anything less than this, but perhaps in His graciousness He is allowing me to see it) to carry my weary head/heart through these past six and a half months.  Really, I genuinely cannot fathom how it is anything other than Him physically picking up my head to move me (and the girls) forward.  I wish it was easy to draw a graph in this blog because I could tell a story of my weakness and God's merciful strength with a graph right now.  Collectively, we are loved more than we know, blessed beyond what we deserve and even still what He is doing for our good is a testament to His ever increasing Glory.  As Winter is beginning to show signs of approaching, so too have my moods/emotions/attitudes started to grow colder and crave more solitude.  I think I would be content to hibernate and just emerge months later to pick up where I left off.  Yet, that's not ho...

So, I sat down to write a post because today is a milestone moment... at least I thought it would be.   Turns out it's just another day without my bride.  Six months. Six, long and thick months.  Let me set the stage before I keep writing on...  In a short summary of the past six months, I'd describe them this way: Month 1 - A whirlwind of a month that can only be described as 'Chaos made manifest'.  I honestly don't remember much of this month.  Aside from the final moments with Ash and a majority of the paperwork/funeral itself, I couldn't tell you anything else that happened during this period. Month 2 - A bit of a rinse and repeat of Month 2, except this is when reality started to hit a little more.  External help began to curtail, the phone calls and texts diminished and it was full on Summer.  There was no established routine and my kids has variable schedules.  Loneliness started to peek its head in the door at times, but it was o...

Working through this season is proving to be more challenging than I thought it would be. With no real understanding of what this life would look like once Ashley died, I can safely say I underestimated my emotional resiliency. My writing (read as: therapy) instances are increasing.  In the chaos of the day-to-day operations, it's becoming my primary outlet to think, process and then expunge from inside of my head.  There are fewer opportunities to gather together with others.  There are even fewer opportunities to break away for solitude/retreat. Structuring my thoughts on paper (or the computer)  is starting to feel like a normal activity again.  So, in the absence of anyone to decompress with... writing more frequently will be the foreseeable mode of release. Suffering/Grief/Pain/Sadness... whatever you want to label it as, it's exhausting. It creates a weariness that I'd rather not hold on to. Maybe it's the season change or reality continuing to set in, but...

I don't know why I've done this in recent days, but I've found myself just replaying those last few months of Ash's time here over and over.  Maybe it's my way of processing and working through some tough moments, but that mental roller coaster usually unfolds into emotional turbulence. At first, I readily pushed back against those memories when they started to intrude (because, well, they are generally sorrowful).  Though, as I thought through all of it, I kept coming back to the fact that there were some really sweet moments in those days.  The Lord was gracious to give us that time.  The Lord was gracious to give us moments together, to share, and retrospectively... He was giving us more opportunities to make memories that I now carry forward.  As I've spent time just reading stories of other widows and widowers, especially ones who lost their spouse to cancer and went through a long, arduous journey... I see SO MUCH of our story in theirs.  Certainly, t...

I haven’t written and published anything since the days following Ash’s funeral. (The weight even writing the latter half of that sentence still brings a flurry of emotions) The absence of writing out my thoughts is not for lack of content to document and record; it’s out of motivation.   I’ve said, often, to those who have asked ‘How I’m doing?’ that I’m putting one foot in front of another and letting the muscles move, but that one of the biggest struggles I’m finding in general is motivation to do anything outside of the bare necessity.   There is a bit of a vicious cycle involved with the lack of motivation and being productive in particular areas of life that require motivation. The lack of motivation produces anxiety about not getting things done and then not getting things done leads to this ‘sense of defeat’.   This was REALLY bad for the first couple of months following Ash’s death.   REALLY bad.   It does seem that these past few weeks have been a bit ...