Ever Singing For Joy

I am convinced that one of the toughest parts of terminal cancer is the last leg of the journey.  Grief, frustration, lamenting, the unknown, failing physical health, cognitive decline... NONE of these are strangers these days.  To that end, though, neither is grace, patience, gentleness, understanding and Hope. There is a great deal of struggle to write part of this post in a way that doesn't come across as cold or without emotion.  To be honest though, that's the world I live in at the moment.  We'll call this a season of survival on my part; the colors of emotion are muted and an intentional push to handle the tasks set in front of me.  Internally, I feel like I've adopted the phrase, 'Work the Problem' as a daily credo for it seems that each day or set of days bring with it new sets of challenges. I mentioned it earlier, the last leg of this journey is going to be remembered as the toughest of the entire process, at least on my end.  Until now, I've bee...

The calm before the storm . I have heard that phrase countless times before.  I don't know if I've ever experienced that phrase in such a palpable way as I have over the past week. What you'll find in this post is going to be straight to the point, not a lot of analysis or commentary; plenty of time for that later... I promise (I've mentioned a few times in earlier post that writing these posts serves as a bit of therapy for me and I can guarantee that in the coming days there's going to be a need for therapy). Since the last post, Ashley's health has continued its decline.  We've had some stumbles and trips and one significant fall this past Sunday.  Words come and go (heavier emphasis on the 'go').  Weakness in movement is growing more common.  Understanding logic and typical actions are increasingly more difficult. Though, there is a slight feel of maybe slowing the descent of decline in the past 24 hours (meaning, it's been relatively uneven...

This is one of those posts that I've not wanted to put together.  For whatever reason (probably because I like to be as prepared for moments like these) I have several posts waiting in the wings, and I really wanted to be able to grab one of those, numbly assemble, post, and not wrestle with much thought or deliberation; however, when I started working through the one that seemed to be the most relevant I took a step back and realized that a pre-written post really doesn't work as well as I thought it would.   The following post was written today (this morning/afternoon/evening) and is genuinely filled with feelings, reactions, and emotions.  There is also some medical talk, but where I've been heavier in the science in some of my more recent posts; this will serve as more of a 'what's going on', 'where are we now' and 'how is everyone doing' type of a post. If you are really just interested in the day we had yesterday and a brief description of ...

The hardest part of writing is getting started.  That may not be true for everyone, but it's absolutely the case when I want to put an update together.  I usually spend a couple of hours writing and editing posts (at least for the ones that aren't quick updates).  If I don't think I can do it all in one pass, I put it off and wait until I can find those moments.  Well, with the hustle and bustle of life lately, 'a couple of hours' chunks don't really avail themselves very often.  I say all of this to say, I owe you, the reader, a bit of an apology.  We have done a poor job in recent months of providing updates on Ashley and the journey our family is walking.  We appreciate those who have reached out in the absence of those updates to check in and ask how things are going. So here we are, four months since our last update.  It's been a bit of a mixed bag in terms of how things are going.  Here's a high level run down of the high points. Let's ...

Leaning into beautiful scripture. Perfect wind outside. I can hear the birds from my kitchen. Outside the girls have planted zinnias that have grown taller than they are. As the summer heat has beat down on the zinnias, they are beginning to wilt. Life circumstances seem to be the sun beating down on our family at this time. We often feel as if we too are wilting.  The grass withers, the flower fades, but the word of our Lord will stand forever. Isaiah 40:8 The wind, the birds, and the flowers are all a part of God’s amazing creation. So is the sun. That very same sun that causes the flowers to wither. In His sovereignty, He allows the sun to shine although other parts of His creation will fade. I am a very loved part of His creation but the heart of life circumstances has beat down on our family… all of this happening under His sovereign plan. Many of you can identify with life circumstances that seem to beat down on you.  In the mornings, when the girls are getting up f...

There are no surprises to God.  He is not caught off guard by what He is sovereign over.  His unending love, His power, His presence... It is all a part of His character.  Though these trials that we face can catch us off balance, the fact that God is the rock and the foundation to my soul is the one thing that steadies my heart.  Learning to grow in the truth that He, and He alone, is the foundation on which everything hinges is where my heart finds itself these days. Does that mean it's easy? No. This is absolutely the hardest trial that I'll face and in recent weeks the feeling of struggle and suffering has only increased. There are moments when I find it hard to trust in the plan that the Lord has for me.  There are times that I wonder what's coming around the corner.  The only peace that comes is knowing that God has written this story and has produced it from the beginning and, in ways I won't understand, that by learning to grow in that peace (the ki...

So, this will be the second blog post I've written in less than 14 days.  I haven't done that in a while.  I wish I didn't have to do it now.  It usually means there is a lot happening or significant changes in Ash's health that need to be shared; unfortunately, this time is no different.  I'll pre-apologize for poor grammar and/or misspellings... I am likely not going to proof this before I post it since it's late and I want to push an update since it's been a few days.. Ashley had an MRI and a NeuroOnc appointment this past Friday.  It was such a long day for her.  We had an early morning start and wound up getting back home mid-afternoon.  For her, that's SUCH a long day; draining to the point where it took her well into Saturday to somewhat recover.  If you'll remember back to April, Ash had an MRI and there was a notable area of concern on her scan.  It wasn't quite pronounced enough for the radiologist to move off of calling her tumor s...